If there is one thing I am finding quite hard to hold onto at the moment, it is quite simply, my self identity. I got over losing my home, no longer having a car & being without a job. My travels made me realise that my identity didn't have to come from those things. However, my great sense of self has somewhat diminished, along with my style.
During the long hot summer in Sicily, I consistently wore a bare face, my hair in a top knot, dirt under my nails, my skin darkened heavily by the sun & I was happy. Although, I moaned, "this isn't what I normally look like" to everyone that would listen, until a Spanish guy I was friends with, said "what does it matter, those things aren't important, they're not what define you." I didn't want to agree, but he was right.
By the time winter came around, I had accepted this very stripped down version of myself. The outer shell was no longer important, it was who I was as a person that mattered. Sadly though, with spring gently rolling in, I have to admit, I'm struggling. I can't help but miss my groomed former self. My monthly mani-pedi, my waist length hair, that golden tan, which has now faded to a sickeningly pale tone.
Having sold the contents of my wardrobe, I am left with a pair of Hunter wellingtons & a beaten up pair of DMs. I don't even own a pair of sandals, let alone a pair of heels. My black skinny jeans have faded to ash & holes have formed in unfortunate places & all of my T-shirts & sweaters are equally falling apart. 'It doesn't matter' I tell myself, but y'know, it kinda does.
Getting down to the bare essentials, stripping right back, exploring the world, understanding more about yourself, it's all great, but honestly, in the past eight months, as much as I've gained, I equally feel as though I've lost. Yes, maybe having great hair isn't important in the grand scheme of things, but being able to look in the mirror & like what you see, somewhat is. If not just for your self esteem!
I want to be the best version of myself, I have a dream & in that dream, I don't look like the vagabond I currently see in the mirror. I think, there comes a time when, you have to start taking baby steps towards making your dreams a reality. There's no point visualising a skinnier, healthier, more stylish you, if you never do anything in reality to achieve this. Seeing your dreams formulate into reality is all part & parcel of forming them in the first place.
In eight months, I've learnt to accept myself as I am, know what I want & who I want to be. I've learnt a lot & even more so, I've learnt that if something makes you unhappy, you should do something about it. I don't want to spend my time feeling miserable because of my appearance, so I think it's finally time I bought a new pair of jeans.
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