Finding birth in death.

Honestly, sometimes I think that I should make 'Never Gives Up' my middle name.  Over the course of this past week, it had felt as though I had thrown all of my cards up in the air and I was merely waiting, patiently and nervously, for them to finally fall, so I could see where and how they landed.  I could sense that the beginning of the week would finally reveal all and I would either find myself in exaltation, or a state of disappointment induced catatonia.  By Monday night, the first card fell and it landed on the thorn of a rose bush, sending out an ominous wave, which terrified me somewhat.  By Tuesday afternoon, all had come crashing down around me and suddenly, fogged by grief at the chaos I was laying in, I honestly felt like running away.

Alas, when you've sold all your belongings, including your bed and your house has tenants until the Spring, you have to face the fact that you have nowhere to run to.  Sometimes, that stark reality has a tendency to make the blind panic worse.  Trapped by a complete feeling of hopelessness.  Unable to make a decision about which direction to take.  However, allowing myself to crumble into a pitiful puddle of tears, I recognised that this was a kind of death I was experiencing and I believe that every death births a new beginning.  Thus, from the ashes of all my failings, I rose a stronger, better, more hopeful me today.  Ready to start again...again.

They say, if you want something you've never had, you have to do something you've never done.  So okay, my first attempts didn't bear fruit, so do I just give up?  No!  I might give myself a minute to fall apart and cry out my misery, but then I brush myself off and I try again.  Only this time I just try something different and I keep trying until I succeed.  Because ultimately, if you know in your gut that you can do it, if you believe in yourself to that extent and believe in what you are aiming to achieve, then you simply have to push on, regardless of the obstacles.  The best things in life are worth fighting for and nothing worth fighting for is easily attained, trust me, I can attest to that.

So for now, it's time to say Auf Wiedersehen to Berlin for just a few short weeks, so that I may head back to England, to spend time with some of my favourite people, including the lovely Charlotte, who, along with her equally lovely fiance Sebastian, are going to house me for the duration.  It is fair to say that I have to some degree, avoided going back to England for visits since I left last July, as I can't help but always feel a little defeatist at the thought of returning and after my last visit at Christmas, I just found myself feeling rather unhappy there.  However, on this occasion I feel different.  I'm genuinely excited!  I really am.

I mean, I miss Berlin already and I've not stepped on the plane yet, but I do feel all kinds of bubbling enthusiasm building in my stomach at the thought of being back in England for a little bit.  I know entirely for sure that Berlin is where I want to live.  I love it here, my heart is here, but with everything that's gone on this past month and this week in particular, I feel as though I need a break, in order to click the refresh button and fall back in love with the city.  They say distance makes the heart grow fonder and as my time away in Rome, back in June, proved, I am sure I will be flying home to Berlin with a spring in my step in a few weeks time.

I think that every negative has a positive, so for every door that closes and for every deviation to the 'plan', we are merely forced to take a different and better route, which eventually leads to a better destination than the one we had imagined.  So, embracing this deviation, my intention is to fully embrace my time in England, seeing friends, mère, Mr Pig, getting reacquainted with some of my few things in storage, eating my weight in hummus (it's so expensive and abysmal here) and stockpiling English essentials to bring back.  I'm going to take this time out to really get inspired, come up with some new ideas and ways in which I can 'make shit happen' and come back to Berlin kicking ass!

Prepare yourself people, I have positivity beaming out of my suitcase!

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