After an arduous time, spent missing out on some of the last and most precious bits of Autumn's sun, I have finally found freedom! Twelve months of life lessons, condensed into one worryingly slim looking book and now, all that's left is an anxious wait. Regardless of its publication, I feel happy at the very least, that I have finally followed something through to completion! It feels satisfying to have accomplished something, especially when, at times, in all honesty, I felt like giving up entirely.
In fact, over the past fifteen months, since I set sail on this grand voyage of discovery, I have laughed and cried in equal measure. There have been times when I have felt as though all has been lost, fallen apart spectacularly and wanted nothing more than to throw myself out of the nearest window. However, for every time I reached my lowest low, I always managed to find a little glimmer of hope, that helped act as a ladder, to aid me back out into the light again, enabling me to find happiness once more.
This journey, whilst nearing completion, is in truth, not yet entirely over, but as tough as it has been and as tough as it may yet be, I am proud to say that having gone through it, I have found happiness, purpose, direction, love and faith. Long gone are those woeful dark days of depression, where my dreams would simply fade into insignificance, entirely untrusting as they were, in their ability to come to fruition. Now, instead, I have witnessed too many times how strong and courageous I can be, so I allow myself to get excited for the future, in spite of any fears that may still lurk in corners, because I know that I am more than capable of making shit happen!
I completely trust that things are going to work out, even when at times, things look a bit shady on the surface and I can't quite see how it's all going to come together. After an incredibly long time, I have finally found faith in myself and in life. That's not to say that I don't still crap my pants at times, or that I don't still have a wobble and cry myself to sleep, but those feelings simply don't weigh me down like they used to, because I accept them as par for the course. I am human after all, it would kind of be weird if I wasn't a little emotionally unstable at some points.
The things is, I no longer beat myself up about it and for the most part, I just don't worry about things anymore. One of the most important things I've learnt over the past year or so, is that it's okay, it's simply all okay. It's okay to feel happy, to feel elated, to feel joy and excitement and it's equally just as okay to feel sorrow, or pain, to feel loss and to feel despair. Life is simply an experience and it offers you a rainbow of emotions and you should want to feel everything! Why wouldn't you!? Why would you want to limit yourself, limit how you feel?
When it comes to the end, I would rather be physically and emotionally savaged by the ferocity of life, in all of its beautiful glory and know that I saw it all, than to have reached my death bed, unused and in one piece, because I didn't want to risk getting broken somewhere along the way. So I give being guarded, or secretive, or scared the middle finger and I get up and I get dressed and I go out there and I live, breath and embrace life, in all its fucking glory, each and every fucking day, because life is for living not limiting!
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