I have three words for you: seasonal affective disorder. Yes, I may have got over thirteen years of suicidal depression, but it seems that I still can't shake the winter blues. My sleep cycle is completely off balance, the sun seems to only shine for a few short hours each day and I feel as though the evening's darkness is ever present.
I don't want to wish my days away, but I miss the summer. I miss the heat. Some days, I feel as though I'm losing the plot entirely. There are only so many films, so many books, so many chocolate bars, before I crave something new, something fresh. I'm drowning and winter has only just begun. I don't think I'll make it to March without a sunbed or a vacation!
I might be a beaming light of positivity during the summer, filled with excitement, bursting with enthusiasm and bubbling with ideas, but right now, in the midst of winter, I am Scrooge incarnate. I wanna be grumpy and hide under the covers, moping and moaning at how awful this season is. I'm sorry guys, but sometimes, I just can't be the happy, hopeful person I'd like to be. Sometimes I'm not okay and sometimes, it's okay not to be okay.
Just as the seasons change, so do our habits and our moods and just as we can be bouncing off the walls with energy one minute, we may have to accept that we're going to be abysmally lethargic and perhaps a little withdrawn the next. We don't do ourselves any favours by beating ourselves up over it. Sometimes we just need to accept our limitations and embrace the quietude.
So no, I'm not okay, no, I'm not high on happiness and no, that's probably not about to change anytime soon, but you know what, I'm okay, with not being okay. At least for now.
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