Honestly, today I feel depleted. Depleted of my energy, my enthusiasm, my motivation & my positivity. I am drained, both physically & emotionally & more homesick than I've ever been before. If I could, I would curl up into a ball, wrap myself in a duvet & sob my way through a bar of chocolate. Only, I can't do that, so I must persevere & carry on.
Losing everything & starting again, is like a double edged sword. On the one hand, it's a fresh start, a chance to learn from your mistakes & try again. On the other hand, it's a painful separation & a traumatic blow.
The first few months were the worst, I felt broken & thrown out into the wind, just trying to catch the breeze. Then, slowly but surely, I started to feel my way, moving slowly into a state of acceptance, eventually growing stronger & feeling uplifted by my freedom. This was my chance to make a change.
It's tiring though. Living in the breeze. Trusting that the turns I make are the right ones. Believing in myself, especially when sometimes I feel like others don't. This is standing on my own two feet alright. Although sometimes it's like standing on quick sand.
Whilst it's difficult, I'm so thankful for everything I've gained from letting go. I appreciate & cherish all the wonderful memories these past months have given me. Yet, I still can't help but feel empty. Lost. Fractured. Longing for a home that no longer exists. Tired of being in other people's space. Tired of not having my own.
I could not be more ready to throw my anchor overboard, just stop, live, be present for a while. Enjoy my time, without restriction. Free from time limits. Financial restraints. To make a home. A safe haven. A small but significant space for myself in the world. That's something I wouldn't take for granted ever again. I would appreciate it, more than I could express in words.
Who knows where in this great big world I will be able to do that. Who knows when. Until then, I will take this simmering sadness & I will tuck it away, deep inside & try to carry on. Trusting that when the time is right, everything will come together. Right now, that's all I can do, to keep on keeping on.
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