The final hurdle.

I'm afraid to say, my positive bubble has burst.  I have reached saturation point & am very much inclined to throw myself a pity party for one.  You see, it seems that whilst traveling feels very fluid, moving from place to place, meeting new people, seeing new things, choosing to stop & plant roots somewhere, isn't quite the natural progressive process I was hoping it would be.  In fact, it seems really fucking hard.

Finding myself in a new city, in a a new country, where I can speak all of three words of the language, is all starting to feel a little overwhelming.  I can't deny there has been more than one occasion today alone, whereby I have had to try to contain the welling of tears, to avoid a blubbery moment of hysteria.  It's safe to say, I can sense a very public, very embarrassing breakdown looming.

On the one hand, I am an eternal optimist.  Hand on heart I believe things are going to work out.  I have a vision of my future & I trust it will manifest into reality.  However, in the here & now, dealing with unemployment & sleeping on a friend's floor in my sleeping bag each night, that future seems a worrying way away.  There is only so much optimism you can hang onto, especially when feeling under pressure.

The other day, I was in a vinyasa yoga class, which was perhaps a level above my ability.  I was struggling, sweating & just about ready to give up & walk out of the class.  But I persevered & felt proud of myself when I made it through the full ninety minutes to the end.  In some ways, this is my life right now, it feels kinda shitty at times & I can't deny I'm struggling & feel out of my depths, but I feel as though, if I can just hold on & persevere a little longer, I'll come out the other side & things will be better.

It's times like this, of course, I look back & struggle not to feel a wave of regret at what I've given up.  Life in England was good, it was easy, comfortable & in some ways, I feel like questioning why exactly I felt so unhappy.  Why did I make such an effort to leave, only to end up here, struggling.  But, what was I realistically gaining.  I guess sometimes we need to push ourselves out of our comfort zone & struggle a little, or else we simply face coasting into mediocrity.

It has taken more strength than I ever thought I had, to get to this point & I really feel as though, I am reaching the top of a very steep hill, ready to glide down the other side.  So, despite the fact that all I want to do right now is quietly sob & book a flight back to England, I am somehow going to force myself to find that last little bit of energy & push that final mile.  Because, quite frankly, after eleven months of traveling, I owe it to myself to finish what I started.

We gain strength, courage & confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face...We must do that which we think we cannot.
— Eleanor Roosevelt

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