Oh Berlin, how sneaky you are. You crept up on me & took me completely by surprise. Wrapping me up in your bosom & making me feel at home. Now I am so settled within your urban scape, that I spend each day somewhat terrified of being parted from you. The very thought of leaving your presence reduces me to tears, each & every time.
I remember back when I was fourteen & miserable, I decided that I would escape to live in Paris the moment I turned eighteen. By the time I got to twenty, I was still living at home & still dreaming of Paris. When I finally said goodbye to England for the last time, late July 2013, I thought I was setting off on a journey that would finally lead me to my dream life in the city of lights. However, over a year later, it appears I have taken somewhat of a detour & ended up here in Berlin.
There is a somewhat magnetic pull, between my heart & this city & I am struggling not to give in. I feel safe in its fluid energy. Happy in its creative buzz. Relaxed by its groove. However, this feeling of settlement that washes over me, day in, day out, provides both a level of comfort & a pang of pain & trepidation. It's been a while since I've genuinely had something to lose & I'd somewhat forgot how scary that can be.
With only a few hundred euros left nestling in my bank account, still nowhere permanent to live, my lack of the language keeping me from gaining the simplest of employment, my 'project' is all I have left to cling to, in hope of making 'shit happen'. Whilst I have great faith in my ability to be abundant & manifest a positive outcome, I still can't help but stifle a pang of panic every now & then.
The thing is, in some ways, I'm happy to feel the bubbling nervousness. It shows me how much I want it. To be here, to finally be settled & at 'home'. To have reached the end of what has been a tumultuous but life changing journey. To be able to put into action, everything I've learnt over the past twelve months.
In essence, it is those very lessons that I need to put into practice now. Like the final test of faith. How much do you really believe? How far are you willing to go? At times it makes me crap my pants, the very thought that, despite having given up everything, from my money, to my possessions, to my security, my home, basically my entire life, now, in order to really start again, I need to be prepared to give up what's left.
What is left, I hear you ask. Fear namely. Fear of failing. Fear that things won't work out. Fear that I'm completely wrong with everything I believe. Trusting in life, in the natural flow of things, is not easy & with the majority of society on the wavelength that you must think logically & be 'realistic' with your expectations, it's even harder to have a little faith & hold on to it. Yet, every time I let go & trust, the lesson proves itself to me, time & time again.
I reach my cliff edge & I give up worrying that I might topple over, falling down into the abyss & all of a sudden a bridge appears before me & I'm able to carry on again. The more this happens, the more I believe & the less & less I worry when I get to the next edge & the one after that. Soon it all becomes one fluid movement, from one scenario to the next & all the seemingly negative situations that arise, suddenly seem like opportunities to reinforce my beliefs.
As I begin to approach, what feels like, the edge of the world, the final & biggest test of faith, I can only hope that I have it in me to let go completely, shed away the fear & make use of everything I have come to learn over the past twelve months. To have sacrificed everything & learnt nothing, would be the ultimate fail & I'm too stubborn & too head strong to give up now. I feel a connection to this city, like I've almost never felt before & I trust that if my gut says to stay, then I'll find a way to stay.
N.B. All photos accompanying my Happiness Project posts will be taken from one of my Pinterest boards, which hosts all the images that make me happy. Feel free to check it out in the meantime, for more happy snaps.
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