Sometimes, it's just all or nothing.

In just less than a month's time, I need to move out of my shared apartment and find somewhere new in town to live.  I hate this part of the process.  It's not that I can't handle change, God knows I've gotten to grips with that over the past few years, but the thing is, well, I've been thinking about it and I simply don't want to rent another room, for another few months.  Because, what I've come to realise, is that I don't want to live in the grey of my own indecision anymore.

Y'see, I want in.  I want all in.  I want to be here.  To commit to my own life, to making a life, to living.  I know what I want now, more so than I think I ever did before and in a lot of ways, it scares me.  Having something you want, fighting for it, means you run the risk of failing, but the thing is, as scary as that prospect is, if you fail to ever take any risks, then you never gain anything and I think I'd prefer to take that chance if I'm honest.

I spent too much time back in England wasting chances.  Like the opportunity to run off to New York with the hipster Jewish musician.  Or that time I thought about flitting off to live in Belgium with the cute wild haired…musician.  Okay, there were a lot of musicians…Anyway, the point is, I never took a chance, I consistently held myself back for so many reasons.  I had so many dreams and yet so little courage and yet finally, here I am, having loosened my shackles, run off around Europe, alone, in search of a better life and now, it appears as though I've found one.

I found a spot in the world that just felt right.  A place that was like a garden I could nurture and grow in.  A hobby that turned into a passion and a man who, despite his hesitancy, I'm convinced is my complete and utter soul-mate…and yes, admittedly, he is another musician, amongst other things.

I'm honestly terrified and completely unsure as to how exactly I'm going to break through Berlin's concrete underground and plant my roots, but, at the very least, I am determined.  At the end of the day, I didn't give it all up, just to move my stagnation across an ocean, I came to learn how to swim amongst the waves and I'll be dammed if anyone's going to stop me, least of all myself.

Life is either a daring adventure or nothing at all.
— Helen Keller

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