Release.

A strange thing happened to me the other day; I came out of yoga (yes, yes yoga again), it was a gloriously sunny day, I grabbed a vegan friendly pastry from the Biomarkt across the road, along with a handful of cherries & went to the park at Mariannenplatz, to soak up the rays & read a book.  All of a sudden, as I sat down, this wave of positivity washed over me & I just felt at ease & completely happy.

I wolfed down my pastry, smiling away to myself & wondered why I had ever worried about anything.  Why had I become so hung up on being homeless.  So against carrying on.  Resigned to a feeling of failure.  It was as though, in that moment, all of those feelings just fell away & suddenly everything just felt right.

Speaking to Katie later the next day, she described it as a 'second wind' & in some ways, that is just how it felt.  Somewhere, between the sunshine, the sugar & the vinyasa, I had gained new energy, renewed my faith & found some motivation to carry on.  Sure, it'd be great to have a home.  Finally, a place to call my own, but I trust that when the time is right, I'll find one.  In the meantime, why not embrace the journey, enjoy the ride.

The repetitive error that I know I seem to perpetually make is, over thinking & continually bringing a sense of expectancy with me, wherever I go, so that when things don't work out quite to plan, I feel as though somehow I've failed.  Disappointment kicks in, which throws me into a sense of loss & then all of a sudden, I'm out at sea, over-analysing every decision I make.  Running circles round myself, pulling my hair out, wondering why life is 'falling apart'.

Well, no more.  The first step to stopping a bad habit, is to first recognise & acknowledge it.  So I'm choosing to let go.  I'm choosing to trust.  I'm believing in myself, in life, in the process.  I'm going with the flow, wherever it chooses to take me.  Heck, I've got this far haven't I & what a journey it's been & one entirely without a plan!

On Sunday, I fly back to Rome for the month, after which I will be free to explore this world a little more.  I love Berlin & will be sobbing in the airport when I leave, but I accept that, if I'm not in a position to stay when I return in July, I will embrace the opportunity to go somewhere new.  Summer is coming, my birthday is approaching & the beach is calling.  I would still really like to spend some time in Croatia & visit Greece.  Maybe pick some fruit, soak up the sun, generally enjoy my life, I mean, after all, isn't that what it's for?

When the time is right, I trust that all the things my heart desires; a home, a job, a partner, they will all appear.  Until then, I guess I'm just gonna be busy living.

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Sun is shining, the weather is sweet.

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After a tumultuous weekend, filled with rain, tears & a small coronary, I have left Prenzlauer Berg & am now safely tucked away with my bearded Swedish friend, in Wedding.   His small apartment comes complete with bare wood floors, white walls, high ceilings & most importantly, plenty of sunlight.  The weather this week has been kind & I for one am most thankful.  If there's one thing that helps to pull me out of a funk, it's the sun's warmth upon my bare skin.

Cycling to yoga in shorts & sandals has been unadulterated bliss, even if, at times, I do feel a little exposed.  The gentle movement from downward facing dog, to plank, up through to cobra, with the light beaming through the windows, puts a smile upon my face every time.  Everything, life itself even, just feels more positive when the sun is shining, don't you think.

I have been making the most of my last few weeks in Berlin, with the help of some new friends.  Tuesday saw myself & fellow Brit, Max, take a stroll to the Turkish market (Maybachufer, 10967 Kreuzberg), to peruse the eclectic mix of wares on offer.  We indulged in delicious chocolate sorbet afterwards, from my favourite gelateria, Eis Manufaktur (Graefestraße 7, 10967, Kreuzberg), whilst soaking up the rays on a street corner & then wandered off to Chaparro (Wienerstr. 15-A 10999, Kreuzberg), to fill our stomachs with burritos, before visiting the East side gallery.  The sun shone the whole day & I cycled home in the evening feeling very happy.

On Wednesday, I met up with the mystical anomaly that is tattoo artist Lus Lips (Loxodrom).  Magician, rabbi & all-round man of mystery, we sat down at Feibi's (Danzigerstraße 27, Prenzlauer Berg) for a scrumptious bowl of Thai soup, before heading round the corner for juice & a reading.  Turns out I'm very structured & now very intrigued.

Today, the sun is shining, I've sweat out my impurities through a tough class of vinyasa yoga & now, I am re-hydrating with a cool glass of juice, whilst I abuse the internet facilities at Lekkerurlaub (Graefestraße 89, 10967, Kreuzberg), a light, airy cafe, that plays very good jazz.  Soon, I shall head back into the heat & find a grassy patch in Görlitzer Park to nestle & read my book, whilst attempting to ignore the offers of weed from passing drug dealers.

I am hoping to take a trip to Markthalle (Eisenbahnstraße 42/43, 10997, Kreuzberg) with friends this evening, to indulge in the plethora of food on offer, during their Street Food Thursday.  I've been desperate to return since visiting it last year with Charlotte, but things never seem to work out, so my fingers are crossed for tonight.

Left on my list of things to do/see before I return to Rome are: lunch at Café Pfoertner, as recommended by Lilly from In a Pavilion, a night of dinner & drinks at Bite Club, a return visit to the Botanischer Garten, in order to actually see the grounds this time & finally, to take a stroll around the flea market at Mauerpark on Sunday afternoon.

Being without foundations is tough at times, the lack of grounding, but, ultimately, when I shake the fear away, life on the road isn't really that bad.

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{Insightful Sunday} Appreciation

Honestly, today I feel depleted.  Depleted of my energy, my enthusiasm, my motivation & my positivity.  I am drained, both physically & emotionally & more homesick than I've ever been before.  If I could, I would curl up into a ball, wrap myself in a duvet & sob my way through a bar of chocolate.  Only, I can't do that, so I must persevere & carry on.

Losing everything & starting again, is like a double edged sword.  On the one hand, it's a fresh start, a chance to learn from your mistakes & try again.  On the other hand, it's a painful separation & a traumatic blow.

The first few months were the worst, I felt broken & thrown out into the wind, just trying to catch the breeze.  Then, slowly but surely, I started to feel my way, moving slowly into a state of acceptance, eventually growing stronger & feeling uplifted by my freedom.  This was my chance to make a change.

It's tiring though.  Living in the breeze. Trusting that the turns I make are the right ones.  Believing in myself, especially when sometimes I feel like others don't.  This is standing on my own two feet alright.  Although sometimes it's like standing on quick sand.

Whilst it's difficult, I'm so thankful for everything I've gained from letting go.  I appreciate & cherish all the wonderful memories these past months have given me.  Yet, I still can't help but feel empty.  Lost.  Fractured.  Longing for a home that no longer exists.  Tired of being in other people's space.  Tired of not having my own.

I could not be more ready to throw my anchor overboard, just stop, live, be present for a while.  Enjoy my time, without restriction.  Free from time limits.  Financial restraints.  To make a home.  A safe haven.  A small but significant space for myself in the world.  That's something I wouldn't take for granted ever again.  I would appreciate it, more than I could express in words.

Who knows where in this great big world I will be able to do that.  Who knows when.  Until then, I will take this simmering sadness & I will tuck it away, deep inside & try to carry on.  Trusting that when the time is right, everything will come together.  Right now, that's all I can do, to keep on keeping on.

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