{Insightful Sunday} Intuition

Recently, a very good friend of mine got engaged, to someone she's been in love with for over a decade.  Sounds ideal, right, except, their love story is one riddled in complication & only really came to fruition just over a year ago.  You see, for those ten long years, she was actually in a relationship with someone else, his best friend to be precise.

Lacking the courage to untangle herself from her steady relationship & risk destroying a friendship, she had conceded to the fact that the feelings she felt, would simply never be explored.  That was until, her relationship finally broke down & a healthy time later, she found out that her object of desire had been harbouring feelings of his own.  One year later he popped the question & here we are at their current engagement.

The point to this story is; when you know, you just know.  So why do we waste so much time ignoring our intuition.  A lot of the time, despite our intuitive thoughts & feelings, we still seem to go against the grain & find ourselves doing what's logical, rather than what actually feels right.  Yet, afterwards, we wonder why we're unhappy & things haven't worked out in our favour.

A lot of it, I think, is about trust, as in the trust that we place in ourselves & our decision making capabilities.  It's like when you had a niggling feeling about taking that job, yet, it was more money & looked great on paper, so you figured it was the best move.  Now you sit at your desk wanting to gouge your eye out with a pencil, wondering why you feel so unfulfilled.

How many times have you, like me, barraged people with questions on what they think you should be doing, or where you should be heading, only to feel dissatisfied & disgruntled, because ultimately, you were looking for someone to reiterate your own thoughts & feelings, which you can't seem to trust to be right.

When we take the time to listen to ourselves, we realise, we don't even have to ask the questions, because we already know the answers.  What we seem to be lacking is a little conviction.  We need to start trusting our own judgement, rather than continually looking for validation in others.

Sometimes of course, it's about courage, going against society's imposed rules & restrictions, on what you should or shouldn't be doing.  It's not easy to stand against a crowd, or perhaps even your own family & admit to wanting to do things differently, but that's the point, isn't it.  How many other people are unhappy & unfulfilled, simply because they haven't found the courage within themselves to make a break & take a chance.  To follow their heart's desire & do what feels right, for them.

Now is the time to make a change, because essentially, all life is, is now.  Right now.  Take the time to sit & listen to yourself, because the everyday noise of the world can be deafening.  Really begin to understand what it is that makes you happy, figure out what drives you & what it is that you really want.  Because, it's about how you feel on the inside that matters, not how things appear on the surface.

So press delete on every doubt you have & when your gut gives you direction, follow it.

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{Resolution 1} Own less, love more.

The first resolution I intend to keep to, is to 'own less, love more'.  I've touched on this subject quite a lot in the last ten months & I think it's a really important subject.  In our modern western society, we constantly get fed the message of CONSUME!  Whether it's through the magazines we read, or the television shows we watch, even down to the Instagram snaps we find ourselves liking, there is a persistent subliminal message, that what we have is not enough.

If you think of all the things you once hoped for & how it made you feel to finally acquire them, how many of those things do you now take for granted?  How many sit forgotten about in dusty drawers, or in boxes crammed under beds, or left, stagnating at the back of a wardrobe.  You see, we have so much & yet, how many of us still feel as though we need more.

It's important when you get to this stage, to take a step back, really take in what you have.  Think realistically about the things you find yourself wanting.  Do you really need them?  Probably not.  Take some time to make space, really go through your possessions.  Uncover some hidden treasures you forgot you had.  Finally throw out that ill-fitting pair of jeans you've had lingering around for years.  Cleanse yourself of the excess.  The less you have, the higher your appreciation will be.

Having sold almost everything I own, down to the contents of my wardrobe, I am left with just three boxes & two suitcases of possessions, which include; my favourite books, DVDs, a seemingly large amount of paperwork, my collection of nicknacks,  my photos, a small box packed with sentimental clippings, from cards, to gig tickets & the like, a few clothes I couldn't bare to part with & my dad's ashes.  That's it.  Although painful to part with at first, I soon came to realise, that for the most part, there were so many things I had, that it turned out, I could so easily live without.

There's always the old adage, 'you don't know what you've got 'til it's gone.'  Those words have never rung more true than now.  I didn't know what I had, because I had so much of what I wanted, that I never appreciated anything.  Then, suddenly, it was gone & I've spent the past ten months, pining over a fair few things; my beloved pink Smeg fridge, my beautiful ivory wrought iron bed, in fact, just my home in general really.  Two years spent painting, wallpapering, hanging pictures & lights, filling every nook & cranny with personal pieces, investing my time & my emotion into creating a home, a refuge.

Ultimately though, if there's no appreciation, there's no love & without love, there really is nothing.  It's been a heartbreaking separation, but, ultimately, in the end, it's been strangely healing too.  Now, I'm more mindful when spending my money on things.  I take the time to really think about what I'm buying.  "Do I need this?"  "No."  "So, do I love it?!"  If it's a yes, then I buy it, if it's a no, then it's just another thing I don't need to be carting about with me on the road.

I really don't need more than one pair of black sandals.  I really don't need more than one scarf & I definitely don't need three watch options.  In fact, it turns out, there's quite a lot of things I don't actually need!  Which is why I now go by the 90/10 rule;  90% need, 10% want.  If you put your needs first & they're met, then a little treat of something you don't need, but that you'll love & appreciate is perfectly acceptable.  At the end of the day, how many people spend forty or more hours a week at work, earning a salary, only to waste that money on things they don't need.  Things that will be bought at whim & forgotten about in days.  Things that ultimately aren't bringing them any real happiness.

It's such a waste.  If we really thought more about what we need, then we'd start to appreciate more so the things we buy, that we simply just want.  Things would become more of a treat, rather than a simple expectation, brought on by the "we earned it, we'll spend it" mentality.  Maybe we'd realise that what we actually need is far less than we thought.  Perhaps we'd start to want less too, as a result.  Then, maybe, just maybe, we'd see that we don't need to constantly be striving to earn more.  Maybe we'd choose to work less & spend more of our time doing something we actually enjoy!  Well, it could happen!

Many years ago, I remember I got a promotion at work & with it a pay increase.  Suddenly I became wholly preoccupied with how I was going to spend this extra money.  Then a friend said to me; "The more you earn, the more things you'll find to spend it on."  It was so true & it really made me think.  When we let ourselves get carried away, obsessing about all the things we think we want, we could honestly never earn enough.  Because now it might be that new designer bag, but next week it might be the sports car & after that, well, you'll be onto yachts.  When will enough really be enough?

For me, now, it's about separating desire & maybe a little social pressure, from what it is I truly need.  Once you can see the difference, you really do start to appreciate the little things more & more.  Tomorrow, I am going into the city centre on a mission to purchase a new electric toothbrush.  It's such a simple thing, yet, I know I will be gleeful getting it out of the packaging & using it for the first time.  It is both a want & a need.  A useful treat, if you will.  Had I have been so giddy over an electrical appliance ten months ago (don't let your mind wander there…), I doubt it. 

Never let the things you want, make you forget the things you have.
— Unknown

N.B.  All photos accompanying my Happiness Project posts will be taken from one of my Pinterest boards, which hosts all the images that make me happy.  Feel free to check it out in the meantime, for more happy snaps.

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A little reflection never hurt anyone.

 

With mercury in retrograde this month, I can feel its affects like a brick through a window, smashing my happy, positive outlook & leaving me feeling a little drained & withdrawn.  It is forcefully imposing a time of reflection upon me, before I am shot back out into the world of possibilities come July.

Reflection though, often raises more questions than it serves to answer & I for one am struggling over; 'what do I really want.'  In essence, I think I have drawn my conclusions on the answer to this, however, this then serves to raise a further question; 'how do I achieve this' & that, more so than anything, is something that brings me anxiety.

Whilst I am entirely adamant that seeing is believing & trust, faith & perseverance will naturally draw me to the right conclusions, in my current mindset, overheating in the Roman sun, I feel more like having a tantrum & flying back to the comforting embrace of mère.  Although, I know from experience that this image is far more comforting than the reality.

Sometimes, it honestly feels as though I am adrift at sea.  Some days I'm battling with high tides, others I'm floating peacefully in the gentle current.  The real issue being that this sea & the subsequent battles I endure with it, are simply metaphors for my mind, of which I am so abysmally lost in.  Yes, it seems I am at war with my own mind.  Some days I win, others I am defeated, nonetheless, I continually pick myself up & brave on.

Last month, back in Berlin, Katie lent me a book: The Happiness Project, by Gretchen Rubin.  I didn't take to it immediately, however, as its pages lessen towards the end, I am feeling rather sad at our impending separation.  It's as though I didn't quite register my attachment until it was all too late.

In the book, Gretchen lists her twelve commandments for the year, in order to alter some of her behaviour & outlook, so as to increase her happiness.  Midway through, she invites readers on her blog to list their twelve commandments, some of which I took to & have been considering adopting -

    •    Stay in touch
    •    Spread joy
    •    Shit happens
    •    Be loving & love will find you
    •    Expect a miracle
    •    I am already enough
    •    Recognise my ghosts
    •    What would I do is I weren't scared
    •    Give without limits, without expectations
    •    Start where you are
    •    Own less, love more
    •    Be present

I think, over the next month, as I battle out this reflective period, I would like to start, in a small way, my own happiness project.  Taking the time to really reflect on my own behaviour, feelings & outlook, so that I may get a better grasp on how & why I seem to come up against the same internal blocks, which seem to continually cause me so much worry & angst.  Perhaps then, by the time I return to Berlin at the end of June, I will feel better equipped to make the decisions that I know I will face & also, I hope of course to feel lighter & happier in the process.

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