Let live & let go.

Getting back to Berlin has been most cleansing.  Not least because I have returned to yoga, cycling & clean eating, as well as sticking to my T-total ways, but also because, I've made peace with myself, in terms of the relationships I have with others.  Namely, men.

After writing my second resolution a few weeks ago, about recognising my ghosts, as if by universal attraction, I found myself immediately afterwards, dealing with exactly that; my relationship ghosts.  Beard was suddenly offering to come visit me in Berlin for my birthday & the Rabbi was being his usual mystical elusive self, both sending me into a frenzy of anxiety & elation, all at the same time.

Just as I was about to be entirely seduced into this destructive behaviour of absorption, I snapped out of the haze, took a step out of the situation, looked at it from another angle & realised, the issue isn't them, or their behaviour towards me, it's my tolerating it that's the problem.  That's when I realised, this was the real ghost & it was this that needed the vanquishing.

In the same sense of recognising that what we seek in others, is really what we need to fulfil within ourselves, equally so, the issues that arise in our relationships with others, are merely representations of our own issues.  We unwittingly project onto others, that which we struggle with ourselves.  So it was time for me to stop questioning their behaviour & take a look at my own.

What was it that I was struggling with, that I felt the need to cast upon them.  Validation would most likely be one thing.  Recognising my own lack of self-worth at times.  Perhaps their lack of commitment.  Yet, I already know what I want, so in essence, why am I not committing to that & instead, expending so much energy & effort into things I know won't satiate me long term.

Communication.  Am I clearly communicating my thoughts & feelings with others.  Maybe not.  Honesty.  Maybe I'm the one not being honest enough with myself about things.  Cracking down on the real issues, made me almost feel stupid that I allowed myself to get so constricted by these seemingly toxic relationships, but equally it completely freed me of them.

Of course some things in life are worth fighting for, but others, well, let's just say, we live it, then we let it go & right now, I'm all for letting go.  Ultimately, the right people come into your life at the right time.  Some stay for a brief interlude & others for the long haul.  Regardless of the duration, you always teach each other something along the way.  I'd like to think, I've finally learnt something & I truly feel as though I'm not haunted anymore.

“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”

— Rumi

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Re-entering the atmosphere.

Well, one month in Rome sure went by quickly.  It truly felt more like a fortnight & now, I am back in my adoptive home; Berlin.  Back to yoga six days a week, cycling round town on Samuel, my beaten up BMX & back to eating clean, non-processed, organic food.  Let's face it, pasta & I were never going to be friends.

Since Mercury went retrograde a week into my arrival in Italy, I went from skipping about the place hyped up on the heat, feeling gratitude vibrating through my core, to feeling foggy, over-whelmed & generally unmotivated.  I won't lie, it was a hard time, but it truly forced me to stop, take stock & re-evaluate some things.

Before I left England, last July, I truly didn't know what it was that I wanted to do with my life, what direction I wanted to head in.  I felt lost in my indecisiveness.  If I hadn't been pushed into flying the nest, I can't deny that I wouldn't have coasted for another few years into my thirties & then just fallen into a depressive coma & maybe given up trying altogether.

Thankfully, circumstances being what they were, I was pushed, with great force, into the big wide world & the safety net I so often clung to, was ripped out from under me.  It left me with a 'do or die' mentality & that's something I'm still thankful for today.

Now, as I enter into my twelfth month of traveling, I'm able to look back & see how this time away has really helped to reconnect me to myself & realigned my thought process.  In some ways, I've gone full circle in the past ten years.  Whilst I have always been the overly conscientious person I am today, it's fair to say, life took me on a rugged detour along the way, whereby I somewhat lost sense of myself & my morals at times.

Do I regret anything?  No.  Sometimes, you have the knowledge, but unless you've actually lived your truths, they're just ideals inside your mind.  Sometimes you need that life experience, in order to really know that what you believe is the right thing for you & right now, I have a stronger hold on my beliefs & my truths than ever before.

Better still, my time back in Italy really grounded me & forced me to pinpoint exactly what my purpose & direction is & now that I'm back in Berlin, with everything planetary shifting forward again, it is the perfect time to have that vision in sight & 'make shit happen.'  In fact, there has never been a better time to stop doing what no longer serves you & start doing solely that which makes you feel better.  That which drives you & nourishes you. 

This article by Lena Stevens, on one of my favourite websites; Mystic Mamma, about the upcoming changes set to hit us all in July, was so accurate for me right now, that I was actually reduced to tears.  If you have the time, or the inclination, you may want to pop along & read it.

Now is the time for the dreamers of this world, to turn their visions into reality.  Now, people, now.

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{Resolution 2} Recognise your ghosts.

I think it's a fair assumption that every man & his dog is aware of my search for a bearded partner.  I've made no secret of it, in fact, I haven't even tried to hide it, or throw a little nonchalance its way.  However, lately, as my desire has increased ever more, perhaps brought on by the lethargy of exploring Rome alone, I have come to face a few home truths, which I realise need dealing with, before I'm ready to meet anyone man shaped.

I read somewhere recently, that what we seek in others, we secretly lack within ourselves.  For instance, when you envisage your ideal partner, what qualities do you crave?  Security, nurture, trust, stability.  Now reflect those qualities back on yourself.  Do you feel secure?  Are you lacking in trust, in life, in others, perhaps even in yourself?  Suddenly, you start to realise, it's not someone else you need to feel complete, it's a better relationship with yourself.

Personally, I often lack motivation, confidence, maybe even a little self-love & self-acceptance at times.  But recognising those areas in need of improvement & working on them, means I'm less likely to want to project them onto someone else & let's face it, dependency in a relationship is never healthy, nor attractive & I've dated enough to know that.

Of course, it's not just about being self-sufficient & complete within yourself, a lot of it is recognising your ghosts & stopping them from haunting your future choices.  A classic example here, is my relationship with Beard.  I couldn't think of anyone who, even after dating several people since the demise of our failed romance, still continues to haunt me.

This is probably not aided in the continuation of our friendship.  But, I want to feel as though, if I deal with the issues that bind me to our past relationship trauma, I can reach a stage whereby our friendship works, because I will have actually moved on.  Unfortunately, this seems to be easier said than done.  Eighteen months since things dissolved & there's still something niggling away at my core.

Proof of which came back in February, when I was out with Katie & her Finnish friend, sipping a much needed glass of vino.  A little tipsy, after not drinking for two months, I spotted a guy at another table in the corner & nearly fell off my chair, because he was the spitting image of Beard, minus the tattoos, which was the only way I could tell for sure it wasn't actually him.

Our tables converged & we ended up chatting until five in the morning, his appeal growing with every glass of wine I drank.  A few days later, he came to meet me in Venice & we spent the weekend together.  With the clarity of sobriety & sunlight, I soon realised that this Italian Beard & I were not in any way compatible.  I mentally slapped myself for being drawn in once again by my past.

I think, in terms of relationships, you draw towards you, people that force you to learn something about yourself.  It is the recognition of these lessons & the subsequent learning of them, that releases you from them altogether.  Whether it's about self-expression, trust or co-dependency, the point is never that it ended, but more so what you took from it.

Over two years spent with The Ex certainly taught me a lot about self-expression & self-identity.  Although, it's only fair to point out, that it took me another two years after we broke up, to finally learn those lessons & move on.  Now I keep what we had in my heart, always, but on the surface, I feel nothing but peace & complete detachment.  Will I ever feel like that about Beard.  I can only hope so.

Perhaps it's because I'm nearing thirty, or maybe it's just that I'm tired of opening myself up to the wrong person & getting hurt, but I'd quite like the next guy to be THE guy, not just another lesson.  Maybe I'm a hopeless romantic & maybe there isn't just ONE right person for everyone, but I can't help but idealise the idea of settling down & being with someone for the long haul & raising a family.

As much as I am impossibly impatient, over everything in life, I do see the need to take stock, face up to my ghosts & heal some wounds, before throwing myself back out there.  Because, I think ultimately, once you've learnt what you need to (& of course, to some degree, you never stop learning), you do meet the right person, someone who compliments & balances you & most importantly, you're ready for them.

“The most powerful relationship you will ever have is the relationship with yourself.”

— Steve Maraboli

N.B.  All photos accompanying my Happiness Project posts will be taken from one of my Pinterest boards, which hosts all the images that make me happy.  Feel free to check it out in the meantime, for more happy snaps.

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