I'm off to find my equilibrium, do bear with me.
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The final hurdle.
I'm afraid to say, my positive bubble has burst. I have reached saturation point & am very much inclined to throw myself a pity party for one. You see, it seems that whilst traveling feels very fluid, moving from place to place, meeting new people, seeing new things, choosing to stop & plant roots somewhere, isn't quite the natural progressive process I was hoping it would be. In fact, it seems really fucking hard.
Finding myself in a new city, in a a new country, where I can speak all of three words of the language, is all starting to feel a little overwhelming. I can't deny there has been more than one occasion today alone, whereby I have had to try to contain the welling of tears, to avoid a blubbery moment of hysteria. It's safe to say, I can sense a very public, very embarrassing breakdown looming.
On the one hand, I am an eternal optimist. Hand on heart I believe things are going to work out. I have a vision of my future & I trust it will manifest into reality. However, in the here & now, dealing with unemployment & sleeping on a friend's floor in my sleeping bag each night, that future seems a worrying way away. There is only so much optimism you can hang onto, especially when feeling under pressure.
The other day, I was in a vinyasa yoga class, which was perhaps a level above my ability. I was struggling, sweating & just about ready to give up & walk out of the class. But I persevered & felt proud of myself when I made it through the full ninety minutes to the end. In some ways, this is my life right now, it feels kinda shitty at times & I can't deny I'm struggling & feel out of my depths, but I feel as though, if I can just hold on & persevere a little longer, I'll come out the other side & things will be better.
It's times like this, of course, I look back & struggle not to feel a wave of regret at what I've given up. Life in England was good, it was easy, comfortable & in some ways, I feel like questioning why exactly I felt so unhappy. Why did I make such an effort to leave, only to end up here, struggling. But, what was I realistically gaining. I guess sometimes we need to push ourselves out of our comfort zone & struggle a little, or else we simply face coasting into mediocrity.
It has taken more strength than I ever thought I had, to get to this point & I really feel as though, I am reaching the top of a very steep hill, ready to glide down the other side. So, despite the fact that all I want to do right now is quietly sob & book a flight back to England, I am somehow going to force myself to find that last little bit of energy & push that final mile. Because, quite frankly, after eleven months of traveling, I owe it to myself to finish what I started.
“We gain strength, courage & confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face...We must do that which we think we cannot.”
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{Insightful Sunday} Perspective.
Whilst in Rome, I had a conversation with a friend about money, that really made me think a lot about the difference between knowing your truths & living them. Over the past few months, I feel as though I've had a lot of conflicts with people & perhaps myself, over money. Let's face it, it's always a touchy subject, especially between friends & family. I think the fact that everyone takes such a different stance on how they view money & equally how they spend it, that conflicts just naturally occur.
Discussing the matter with the Swede, before I left for Rome, he said "it's called currency for a reason." Something that stuck with me, because he was right, it is & it should naturally flow in & out. I mean, if we think back a few centuries, to when life was a little simpler & we were exchanging chickens for chairs, or gold for armour, the introduction of an actual currency was still only intended as another bartering tool. Yet, why in this day & age are we so afraid to exchange our chickens? Instead storing them up, like we're facing the apocalypse.
Are we so afraid that if we spend what we have, we won't ever have more. That something bad might occur & we'll end up destitute. As a western civilisation, our concept of poverty is if we don't have the best car, or the latest Playstation game, our wardrobe isn't 'on trend' enough, our TV is too small, or we can't eat out every week. Yet, putting things into perspective, isn't real poverty when you don't have shelter, you can't afford to feed yourself or your family & your children are dying because you can't access proper medical care?
We're rich in so much, yet so poor in appreciation & perhaps perspective. Unable to grasp that the worst case scenario is still pretty good, in comparison with someone else's actual reality. Admittedly, even I myself have been guilty of being impatient & greedy, in my lack of overall perspective. Flicking through the pages of Vogue, or skimming through my Instagram newsfeed, finding myself sucked in & feeling forlorn & sorry for myself that I don't have everything I want. Yet when I look around & see that I actually have so much, I realise I'm taking things for granted.
I have wonderful friends who love & support me. I have a roof over my head & somewhere to sleep every night, again, thanks solely to friendship. I am able to afford to feed myself, to do yoga every day & the freedom to follow my dreams & travel. I even had the great fortune of inheriting a bicycle, which means I can get around town easily & for free. In truth, all my needs are met. Okay, I don't currently have the security of a fixed income. I don't have a place of my own. I don't even have a bed, but honestly, in truth, what does that even matter. When I realise what I do have, I realise how fortunate I am & this makes me very thankful.
Sometimes, even with a fixed income, I find that some people struggle with their heap. Yet, I think, if we hold onto money, if we fear letting it go, constantly striving to earn more, only to fear spending it, then really, we're misunderstanding its true intention. It's a circulatory system after all. You earn, you spend, you earn some more & round goes the economy. If you hold onto it, what good is it to you, other than the numbers increasing on your statement. Buy what you need, love what you have, don't be afraid to treat yourself. Enjoy it, or don't waste your precious time & effort struggling to earn it. At the end of he day, what are you afraid of? What's the worst case scenario?
Of course, it can be hard to accept letting money go, when you don't necessarily have the guarantee of it coming back in, but sometimes you just have to have a little faith. Do I feel a wave of anxiety sometimes, when I have to shell out for something? Damn straight. Now & then I have a little internal meltdown, panicking about the what ifs, then I take a moment to really think about my worst case scenario & honestly, it's not that ugly. So I pay out, I buy the organic groceries, I feed myself, I let go & trust, because ultimately, I know my truths & I'm starting to make sure I live them.
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