{Resolution 4} I am already enough.

Over the recent months, I have received an increasing amount of communication from some of you, my beautiful readers, in regards to various matters.  Firstly, I want to say, how deeply touched I am by the kind & loving words that I receive.  Each letter, email, or comment really affects me & brings a smile to my face & occasionally, a joyous tear to my cheek.  I love reading all of your words & I want to assure you, that I will always have the time to receive or reply to them, so don't stop!

The contents of these communications, as I say, are varied, however, something that inspired me with my fourth resolution was, the feeling of 'not enough'.  This is not so much about seeking things externally, but more so about how we come to expect too much of ourselves.  We seem to be the first to put ourselves up on pedestals & the first to knock ourselves off!  I think it's fair to say, that whilst we may occasionally find ourselves in judgement of others, it is usually because we are silently & at times harshly, judging ourselves.

How easily do we tear ourselves apart, often over the smallest of things.  Whether it be our physicality, our work, our creativity, our overall life accomplishments.  We can go from feeling on top of the world, to one comment away from exploding into a handful of emotional confetti.  It would seem that out of everyone, we need to be the first person to start cutting ourselves some slack.  Start accepting some of our own flaws & equally, our own emotional sensitivities.

After all, life is a fluid motion, going from one minute to the next, day after day, year after year.  We are not capable of being happy, or energized or motivated at every moment of that time.  It would be unnatural.  We need to accept that there will be low points from time to time.  Occasionally we need to flat line, in order to rest & recharge.  Sometimes it's important to take a step back, be alone, find peace in some solitude.  It is not weak, it is not wrong & most importantly, you do not, I repeat, YOU DO NOT need to apologise for this!

The more we start to accept ourselves, as we are, the less we seek approval from others & perhaps in turn, this feeling of inner harmony helps to ease our judgement of others.   Which, considering most of these judgements tend to be a projection of our own internal issues, it would probably be a healthy start dealing with them.

At a very basic level, when you look at the world, everyone is battling their own inner demons, whether they're the size of tiny mice, slowly nibbling away at their core, like it's a piece of cheddar, or a lion, preparing to rip them to shreds.  It's important to keep that in mind when you fall into the trap of comparing yourself to others.  Yes, perhaps on the surface they look like they've got their shit together, but really, they have their down days too.

So stop worrying.  Stop comparing.  Feel what you feel, when you feel it.  Don't suppress the sadness any more than you suppress the joy.  Allow yourself the downs & enjoy the ups.  Accept every part of you.  If there's something you aren't happy with, do something about it, but make it a positive change, don't simply dim your light having beaten yourself up over it.  We all change & evolve over time, so have some patience.  Most importantly of all, please remember, you are already enough!

“I think by knowing who we are as people & being ourselves, we can start making the world better.”

— Unknown

N.B.  All photos accompanying my Happiness Project posts will be taken from one of my Pinterest boards, which hosts all the images that make me happy.  Feel free to check it out in the meantime, for more happy snaps.

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You're not alone.

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"It's a peculiar feeling, feeling nothing at all.
Not even a feeling, just a hole, that is all.
No direction or purpose, no passion nor care.
Just a hollow detachment, leading straight to despair."

I don't think it would be possible to write today, without mentioning the passing of Robin Williams.  Deaths of this nature, highlight how much work there is still to be done, in regards to helping people with mental health issues.

As I myself have suffered with chronic depression for over twelve years, I know only too well how difficult it can be not to lose hope & to continually pick yourself back up & out of a black hole.  It can be very easy to hide the overwhelming & often unexplainable grief you're suffering internally, by painting a smile on your face & being very jovial externally.  If only people realised that sometimes the people who seem the happiest, are actually suffering the most.  Something to remember & keep in mind.

I cannot reiterate enough, how important it is to talk about the things that are affecting us, even if it is not always an easy subject matter & perhaps one that makes us feel uncomfortable discussing.  The more we keep silent about our struggles, the more we isolate ourselves & continue to suffer alone.  Only through being courageous enough to be open, can we help both ourselves & others, by sharing our experiences.  Think of the amount of people out there, (perhaps including yourself) who keep their pain hidden, sometimes until it's too late for anyone to even realise they need help.

The more open you become, the more you realise how many people are suffering from the same internal ailments & issues, which in turn, helps to give you both a better sense of perspective & also perhaps a sense of support.  Please believe, you are not alone in feeling the way that you do.  Yes, there is still a lot of misunderstanding & lack of education around the issue of mental health, but this is precisely why people need to be encouraged to start discussing it more openly.

If you have never experienced any form of depression, then look around, because there is no doubt in my mind that someone you know, someone you love, has & may still be suffering as we speak.  Granted it's not always easy to be around someone who is suffering.  Having recently spent time with someone I care about, who's self-destructive behaviour was unbearable, I've come to realise how difficult it must have been for mère living with me for all those years.

All the times I screamed the house down, or blackened my knuckles after punching a wall.  The suicide attempts & the endless tears of despair, stemming from unimaginable grief.  I can see now how incredibly difficult I was to live with & equally so, how hard it is to see someone you love tear themselves apart & feel completely unable to help them.  Patience & understanding is the most important thing in these situations & let's face it, even the strongest person can struggle with that after time.

I cannot express proficiently enough in words, how thankful I am, that the past year of traveling has acted to resolve a great deal of the issues that were causing this internal pain & suffering & how, after over a decade, I am now able to say that I am no longer battling with depression.  However, there are still so many people out there, who are still encased within their heavy smog, unable to see clearly & are perhaps not in a position to ask for help, or even know where to begin trying to find it.

So, I ask everyone, to have a little patience & understanding & restrain from judgement.  Be loving & kind, both to yourself & others. Be open about how you're really feeling & don't be afraid to say if you're unhappy or sad, even if you feel it's for no reason.  Don't play pretend & cover up your sorrow with a smile.  The more honest you are, the more honest the world becomes & in turn, this causes a ripple effect that will, I hope, one day help to heal a multitude of wounds.

Most importantly, please remember, you are not alone.

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{Insightful Sunday} Actions speak louder than words.

Those that know me personally, know that I am a rather talkative individual, although, I think it's fair to say, that occasionally it seems as though I talk a lot, without really saying anything at all.  A particular habit that I have recently become aware of though, is that of my tendency to perhaps over-share.  I have always been a very open person & I can't say that I harbour many skeletons in my closet, but perhaps at times, I find myself opening up to the wrong people, or at inappropriate times.

Especially it seems, when it comes to dating.  I seem to continually find myself passing on information about my relationship history to potential suitors, like a standardised CV, perhaps under the misguided view that in being open & honest, laying it all out on the line, my historical errors won't come back to haunt me.  Only I've come to realise that perhaps my dragging up the past & pushing it into my potential future, isn't a healthy way to deal with things.

In fact, it's made me realise that perhaps I was failing to learn anything at all.  When it comes to dating, the one thing you have to accept, is that everyone has a past & something that is equally important to learn is, to simply leave it there.  We all come with baggage, some good, some horrifically bad.  The important thing is that we are who we are & where we are because of it & that's something we'd be well inclined to remember.

Of course things will arise & there will be occasions whereby we feel it necessary, or even cathartic to discuss our past relationships within the context of our current ones, but the idea is that everything we have been through has taught us something & every new relationship, is a chance to put into practice those hard learned lessons.  This is where it's important to take stock & do, rather than say.

Sometimes I find that I verbally process things, rather than do so internally & I can see how this can cause conflict within my relationships.  Knowing when to shut up, can be the hardest lesson at times.  Being able to leave your past behind you, in order to focus on what's in front of you can, admittedly be a challenge & occasionally, when you've gone through quite a life-changing process with someone in the past, it can be hard not to want to share that with someone new, as if to express to them 'you don't know what I've been through to be the person I am now!'

Yet, we have to learn to express this change & evolvement through our behaviour, not our words.  Start to actually be the change, rather than just conceptualise it.  It's also a good way to be present.  To be absorbed in who you're with at that moment.  Rather than always dwelling so passionately in the past, perhaps sometimes in a naive attempt at validating your current behavioural patterns.

I've always spoken very honestly & openly about my relationships, the highs, the lows & the bitter heartbreaks.  That is who I am & I don't wish to change that, but perhaps now, as I begin to gravitate towards the idea of being in someone's life again, I will try to be more conscious of leaving the past firmly behind & attempt to put into practice the lessons I've learned, from what has been a rich, if not sometimes difficult, relationship history.

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