{Insightful Sunday} See the beauty in everything.

Well, it's safe to say that the past few weeks have been intense. We've been through several super full and new moons over the past few months and I personally have felt their effects heavily. I can be a sensitive little bean at times and I have a tendency to pick up a lot, from a little. My sleep patterns have been completely off, my eyes have at times been blind from tears and my heart...shattered.

Some days all I wanted was to shut off and zone out. Escape from life completely. However hard it gets though, I still find myself getting up and getting on with things and ultimately, every single day, I still find something to smile about. Whether it's something as silly as wearing a wide brimmed hat, confidently down the street, or finally accomplishing something pretty big and important, such as a work matter. I find that there is always something to be joyful about, if you're in the right mindset to see it.

Sometimes, it's those little things that make the big difference and can change your perspective on everything. Such as today, when, after yet another sleepless night, I sat, bleary eyed in the kitchen and sifted through my Instagram timeline. Berlin, Rome, Paris, Florence, Sicily, all my travels laid out in front of me and even the snaps from before, when I was still living on the coast. I had (another) little cry just looking at them all, but this time, they were tears of joy and overwhelming gratitude.

How often do I take this life of mine for granted. How quick am I to forget everything I've done, all the things I've seen, all the places I've visited. From time to time, I seem to allow myself to wallow, feeling stressed and anxious at how unstable my life is. I have no steady income, no permanent address and now, a broken heart to throw into the mix.  At times, it's hard not to feel like crumbling into Berlin's cobbled streets, allowing passing cyclists to casually use me as a speed bump.

However, today, looking back through those photos, I realised how perfect and indeed amazing it has all been, even with the seemingly negative events and incidents that have occurred along the way. It's been a wonderful life, it really has and one that I am so incredibly grateful for. It has made me who I am today and in turn it has brought me to this amazing city, surrounded by the most wonderful people, who have helped me more than I could ever have expected or asked. I am so incredibly fortunate.

Whilst the future is so uncertain and I am unable to know what is to come, how things will work out, where I will end up and with whom, I can only trust that having got this far on faith alone, that the future will be magical, in its own way. I trust that any troubles that arise, will be things I know I have the strength to deal with. I think sometimes, you just have to let go. Of the fear, the expectation, the anxiety, everything that holds you back and just give in to the moment. Because when you look around and see how wonderful things are, you realise that you have nothing to worry about.

Ultimately, life is what you make it. There is the potential for all, depending on your own outlook. The world is a direct reflection of you, if you feel negative, you will only be able to see the negative aspects of the world around you. So believe, in yourself and in life and through your own positivity, you will start to see all the beauty in the world. All the glorious aspects of your environment, which will lift your spirits and help inspire you to go on, again and again. It's a wonderful world, if you only choose to see it.

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{Lately on Instagram}

I have been stuck indoors for the past few weeks, working tirelessly and unfortunately getting very little sleep and even less daylight exposure in the process.  It has truly been exhausting.  However, with certain things now done, my schedule is somewhat back to its usual relaxed state and so, I am slowly readjusting, or at least trying to.  My sleep cycle is still completely skewed however and so, mornings are becoming afternoons and the nights are far too long.

Late August was unexpectedly cold here in Berlin, which made me start to get a little excited for autumn.  I was finally able to embrace my chunky knit sweater and hide my messy tendrils under a wide brimmed hat.  Funny how the simplest of things can make you deliriously happy.  I think perhaps fall is becoming my favourite season.

I spent the last two weeks of August over in Neukölln, enjoying deep and meaningful conversations, with good company, over delicious food and taking evening strolls, getting to know the area a little better.  It was such a pleasure and with the cold setting in, I also cut down on the number of days I went to yoga, instead starting to do back-to-back classes a few times a week.  Beginning at seven in the evening, I would do ninety minutes of fast paced vinyasa, followed by ninety minutes of deep stretching yin.  A really nice combination which led me to feel super relaxed, as well as super achy.

Sadly late August also saw the disappearance of Samuel, my beloved bicycle.  Spaced out from three hours of yoga, I came out of class to find he'd simply vanished.  Not even a wheel was left to remember him by.  I hope he's being treated well, wherever he is.  I can't say I'm not devastated, because I am.  Mostly because I'd become very emotionally attached to him, we'd been through a lot together.  Overcoming my fear of cycling, his stolen seat, the flat tire incident.  I will miss our middle of the night rides across town.  Alas, all things happen for a reason and so, for now, I am simply walking everywhere until I find a replacement.

As of September, I am temporarily back across town in Prenzlauer Berg and it appears as though we are having an Indian summer here in Berlin.  After finally taking the time to venture outside this week, I couldn't believe how hot and sunny it was!  I have officially folded my sweater back up and have happily brought the T-shirts back out.

Embracing both the weather and a freed up schedule, I had the great pleasure yesterday, of meeting one of my lovely readers and fellow writers, Rose, who has recently moved to Berlin from England.  The pair of us went for delicious vegan cakes and shakes over at Chaostheorie (Lychener Straße 4, Prenzlauer Berg) and then afterwards, we treated ourselves to a refreshing mango sorbet each, from the local Eis bar.  The sun was shining and it literally felt like a summer's day!  Making new friends, eating sweet treats, soaking up the rays, this, I've decided, is what life is really all about.

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Commitment issues.

Upon first arriving here, way back in May, filled with naive optimism about my new life in Berlin & finally finding the guy, my dreams were somewhat dashed, when during a conversation with my German friend Lilly, she helpfully informed me, that whilst there may be a plethora of good looking men here in the city, half of them are gay & the other half have a fear of commitment.  Stood in her kitchen doorway, my heart fell to the floor like a lead balloon, taking all my hope & optimism with it.  This was not a great start.

A month or two later, as if to reaffirm her findings, I read an article in EXBERLINER magazine, which stated that Berlin was the capitol for the single life.  No one here commits.  Ever.  This was not what I wanted to hear & soon I realised, that it wasn't just relationships that Berliners seem keen to avoid committing themselves to.  You need only visit a Berliner's apartment, to see the extent of this commitment-phobia showcased in the minimal furnishings, which are all bought second hand, donated, or found in the street, the empty kitchens, still awaiting their worktops & cupboards & the cardboard boxes, that linger in the hallway, patiently waiting to be unpacked.

Had I thrown all my eggs into an unstable basket?  I was starting to think this may be the case.  Last night, as I took an evening stroll around the neighbourhood with my new German roommate, we discussed the notion that 'your outside world is really an exact reflection of your inner world,' as raised in this article I found online.  Which lead to the question that perhaps it was myself that was the one lacking in commitment, rather than Berlin, or the people I was encountering in it.

At first, I dismissed this theory.  Sure, I've been a commitment-phobe in the past, not just in the sense of relationships either, I mean, I once cried over choosing a sandwich filling, but I'd changed, things were different, I was different, I knew what I wanted now, didn't I?  With these questions bubbling away in my brain, I sat in yoga this afternoon, my last Hatha class with one of my favourite teachers, trying to deal with the fact that I was having to say goodbye to him, as he prepared to leave Berlin to move to England & it dawned on me, I was afraid to commit & I had been this whole time.

Whether this lack of commitment was brought on by those first nuggets of info, ushered by my friend, or the fact that everyone I know in Berlin appears to be leaving & the few that are left, seem unwilling to show any sign of commitment, or perhaps whether it was simply just my deep seated issues, clearly still seeking resolve, I realised that I had been drawing to me, every flaky, unstable situation possible.  From the housing dramas, to the dating heart ache.  This was all just a reflection of my own issues, manifesting themselves spectacularly in front of me.  Only, it had taken me several months to actually connect the dots.

Having had this sudden epiphany, I started to think about what it is I really wanted.  Is Berlin it for me?  Do I really feel at home here?   Especially when I think about being in Berlin alone, if & when everyone else decides to leave.  Then it occurred to me; home does not denote a particular place, such as a town, or country, neither is it about four walls, it is entirely about feeling at home within yourself & when you do, the rest becomes irrelevant.  So realistically, what was I worrying about, in terms of committing to staying here long term?  I realised I needed to cease worrying about whether the place was right & start simply feeling content within myself, regardless of who was, or wasn't living in the city with me.

In some ways, I think this has been bringing up a lot of unresolved feelings about my leaving England.  Committing here, means finally & completely letting go of there.  Highlighting another repetitive theme in my life, that of 'letting go', but you do have to let go of the old, or it simply drags you down & stops you fully embracing the new.  At the end of the day, you simply can't live with one foot in the past.  I can't deny however, that the past few days have brought on many an anxious feeling of wanting to run back, escape, hide out, avoid the hardships here.  I'm only thankful that this hasn't really been an option.

I've come to realise, that In order to finally find the settlement I crave & fully start a new life, I need to completely let go of everything that has gone before & entirely commit myself to the here & now & what I am attempting to create.  So it's time to say an emotional goodbye to the sandy beach, only a ten minute stroll from my house, goodbye to the entire food department at M&S, goodbye to probably owning a car for several years, goodbye to the proximity of some of my oldest & closest friends, goodbye to ever again living with mère & goodbye to the past twenty six years of English life in general.

Ich bin eine Berliner!

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