{Resolution 5} Start where you are.

If I've learnt anything in the past year, it's that sometimes you just need to completely let go - of your expectations, your grip on things, your fear and learn to just go with the natural flow of life.  Okay guys, admittedly this is easier said than done at times.  I myself often struggle.  I'm a really structured person, I appreciate a little routine and knowing upfront where I'm heading and what's in-store.  I'm impatient and I like things to happen at lightning speed, because hey, once I get an idea in my head and allow myself to get excited, I don't want to be waiting around!  But sometimes, just sometimes, you've got to take a step back, slow right down and accept that things might not be heading straight in the direction you were aiming for.  Sometimes you have to accept a detour.

With Mercury in retrograde this month, my current detour back in England couldn't be more apt!  If you're not astrologically inclined, Mercury, the great planet of communication, likes to take a little step back in time on average about three times a year, for the duration of about three weeks.  This reversal tends to throw a few things off balance and can disrupt even our best laid plans.  Yes, it can be hectic and a little brutal, however, it's also a good time for deep reflection.  Going back over your ideas, your thoughts, your values and any plans you've made and really questioning whether they're still right, or in need of adjustment.

For me, things in Berlin had simply reached a stalemate in every aspect and my mind had become fogged, meaning I was completely unable to make an informed decision about what to do next.  Although returning to England in some ways will always feel a little defeatist, even if it is only for a few weeks vacation, I have come to recognise that it was the right thing to do and it has most definitely been a positive step in the right direction.  Staying with my beautiful best Charlotte and her lovely fiance Sebastian, has kept me grounded and boosted my positivity and creativity no end.  They are both very heart-centred loving people and I think, when you're around that type of energy, it just can't help but rub off on you.

I've been able to really shift my perspective and re-evaluate a few things this past week.  I honestly love my work, I love living in Berlin and whilst I am still climbing a very steep hill to get to where I really want to be, I am truly happy.  I think it's important to acknowledge that at the end of the day, we're all human and we humans don't half have a lot of emotion encased within our fleshy selves.  Unfortunately, at times, whilst our higher selves might be clued up and believing, occasionally our emotions will get the better of us and no doubt, we will find ourselves crumbling into a teary heap of disbelief and doubt.  That's okay.  That's normal.  That's what comes of having one foot on the ground and the other in the ether.  The main thing is to feel what you feel when you feel it and then let it go.

For the most part, we are all striving to get to a particular destination.  Each individual to ourselves.  It's hard not to want to click your fingers and for it all to be magically manifested in front of you, but these things take time and let's face it, as impatient as we can sometimes be, we know that the best things in life are worth waiting for.  So this Mercury retrograde is a particularly good time to reaffirm to yourself what it is that you want in life, where it is you're aiming for.  We might not be able to have it all right this minute, but we can at least do what we can, with what we have, right now and be appreciative of that.

“Look inside yourself, everything that you want, you are already that.”

— Rumi

N.B.  All photos accompanying my Happiness Project posts will be taken from one of my Pinterest boards, which hosts all the images that make me happy.  Feel free to check it out in the meantime, for more happy snaps.

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Finding birth in death.

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Honestly, sometimes I think that I should make 'Never Gives Up' my middle name.  Over the course of this past week, it had felt as though I had thrown all of my cards up in the air and I was merely waiting, patiently and nervously, for them to finally fall, so I could see where and how they landed.  I could sense that the beginning of the week would finally reveal all and I would either find myself in exaltation, or a state of disappointment induced catatonia.  By Monday night, the first card fell and it landed on the thorn of a rose bush, sending out an ominous wave, which terrified me somewhat.  By Tuesday afternoon, all had come crashing down around me and suddenly, fogged by grief at the chaos I was laying in, I honestly felt like running away.

Alas, when you've sold all your belongings, including your bed and your house has tenants until the Spring, you have to face the fact that you have nowhere to run to.  Sometimes, that stark reality has a tendency to make the blind panic worse.  Trapped by a complete feeling of hopelessness.  Unable to make a decision about which direction to take.  However, allowing myself to crumble into a pitiful puddle of tears, I recognised that this was a kind of death I was experiencing and I believe that every death births a new beginning.  Thus, from the ashes of all my failings, I rose a stronger, better, more hopeful me today.  Ready to start again...again.

They say, if you want something you've never had, you have to do something you've never done.  So okay, my first attempts didn't bear fruit, so do I just give up?  No!  I might give myself a minute to fall apart and cry out my misery, but then I brush myself off and I try again.  Only this time I just try something different and I keep trying until I succeed.  Because ultimately, if you know in your gut that you can do it, if you believe in yourself to that extent and believe in what you are aiming to achieve, then you simply have to push on, regardless of the obstacles.  The best things in life are worth fighting for and nothing worth fighting for is easily attained, trust me, I can attest to that.

So for now, it's time to say Auf Wiedersehen to Berlin for just a few short weeks, so that I may head back to England, to spend time with some of my favourite people, including the lovely Charlotte, who, along with her equally lovely fiance Sebastian, are going to house me for the duration.  It is fair to say that I have to some degree, avoided going back to England for visits since I left last July, as I can't help but always feel a little defeatist at the thought of returning and after my last visit at Christmas, I just found myself feeling rather unhappy there.  However, on this occasion I feel different.  I'm genuinely excited!  I really am.

I mean, I miss Berlin already and I've not stepped on the plane yet, but I do feel all kinds of bubbling enthusiasm building in my stomach at the thought of being back in England for a little bit.  I know entirely for sure that Berlin is where I want to live.  I love it here, my heart is here, but with everything that's gone on this past month and this week in particular, I feel as though I need a break, in order to click the refresh button and fall back in love with the city.  They say distance makes the heart grow fonder and as my time away in Rome, back in June, proved, I am sure I will be flying home to Berlin with a spring in my step in a few weeks time.

I think that every negative has a positive, so for every door that closes and for every deviation to the 'plan', we are merely forced to take a different and better route, which eventually leads to a better destination than the one we had imagined.  So, embracing this deviation, my intention is to fully embrace my time in England, seeing friends, mère, Mr Pig, getting reacquainted with some of my few things in storage, eating my weight in hummus (it's so expensive and abysmal here) and stockpiling English essentials to bring back.  I'm going to take this time out to really get inspired, come up with some new ideas and ways in which I can 'make shit happen' and come back to Berlin kicking ass!

Prepare yourself people, I have positivity beaming out of my suitcase!

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{Insightful Sunday} Change

Change. Just as we must accept the seasons which come to pass, so too must we accept, that the only thing we can rely upon is that everything in our life will at some point change. Every sad moment will see a happy one, every success a failure. This is the great evolutionary impermanence, that we all must come to recognise and accept. For once we accept it, we can learn to let go of our attachment and begin to move with it, rather than continue to force our will upon it, in a naïve attempt at keeping things as they were.

At times, we are unhappy, or unsatisfied, but we lack the courage to make a change, because to do so, would surely incur upheaval, chaos, a break in our foundations. Sometimes we choose to do nothing, simply because, whilst we accept that things could be better, we do not wish to suffer the tension of getting there. Pushing ourselves out of our comfort zones, breaking free from that which we have come to know, to step out into the great and terrifying unknown. All risk. No guarantees. A lot of people would rather stay in the comfort of their own misery, than risk the challenge of being happy.

However, this is a great time of change for everyone. The next few months will see great transformations in all our lives. However, whilst these will be positive changes, we must accept that with every change comes a period of adjustment and a knee jerk reaction to resist. Growing, changing, evolving, it is not without its discomfort, but it is necessary. Sometimes, the most drastic of changes, can be horrendously shocking, but downright necessary. Sometimes it's a choice, sometimes it's thrust upon us. In either case, it is what pushes us towards our true selves. Away from the bullshit we so fiercely cling to.

As you start to recognise the fluidity of life, the constant evolvement, you start to let go of your attachment and begin to focus on the here and the now. What was once before is gone and what you are feeling, expressing and witnessing right at this present moment, will be all but a memory by tomorrow. It's time to shake things up. Time to do whatever the hell feels right, right now, because tomorrow...well, that's going to be a whole different story. You might have made plans, but be prepared for the fact that life has a set of its own and they might not be what you had in mind.

By the time we step into 2015, I can guarantee that the majority of you, if not all, will have gone through a transformation of sorts, whether it's a subtle one, or entirely life changing. We're shedding our old ideals. We're finally becoming ourselves. We'll start doing what feels right, not what we're constantly being told we should be doing. Yes, sadly this means things are about to get rocky. The road won't necessarily be smooth, but once we're on the other side, well, we'll be grateful we carried on, especially when at times, we most likely felt as though we wanted to step off the path altogether.

Things will come up. We'll spot signs. Synchronicity. We'll know things, yet be unable to know quite how or why. Situations will arise, whereby previously we would have failed to react and now, suddenly, we're sensing a strong internal gut reaction and acting upon it. People will be shocked. They won't understand. We're not acting the same. We've changed and yes, we will have changed. We are who we are and it's time to start expressing that. Time to stop being afraid of our own shadow. Time to walk out into the dark, in search of the light.

We'll crap our pants in fear of what's out there, but trust me, as daunting as it is, the only thing nestled in the crevices are what we choose to put there. Spread the seed of positivity and only weeds of happiness will grow. Change is inevitable. Change is coming. A new era is dawning and whatever you had in mind, let me tell you, it's time to let it go and learn to simply embrace what arises. Adapt, work with what you're given, because ultimately, you're only given what you need. If you were looking for a good time to do something, I can tell you that now is the time.

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