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If feels oddly surreal to be back in England, back in Kent.  The last time I was here, it was Christmas.  The sky at the time was ominously dark, for what felt like most of the duration, there had been a bitter chill in the air, which had cut through me and made my need for a coat more of a desperation and the rain, well...I look around and whilst the conditions have improved, the sense of timing is much the same.  Staying with Charlotte, catching up with other close friends and visiting Mère and Mr Pig, it feels as though I were only here a week ago, not nine months.

My entire life, all my worldly possessions, bar what I carry around with me, in Sir Fleming's loaned carry-on, fits into three reasonably sized boxes and one suitcase, which are all stored at Mère's.  During my first weekend here in England, I popped over for the day, to delve into my things and pick out the odd bits I'd been missing and wanted to take back home with me to Germany.  It was honestly like going through a treasure chest.  There were so many things I'd forgotten about, which, I guess to some extent, says a lot about how much of what we seem to hold on to, we could probably live without.

I picked out my favourite book; The Lost Art of Keeping Secrets, by Eva Rice, which I treasure beyond compare.  I first read it when I was eighteen and have read it every winter since.  In fact, it is the only book that I have ever re-read, which I think says a lot.  Because I have such a tradition of reading it at this time of year, I have been craving its words and so, I knew it had to be the first thing I rescued from those boxes.

I also grabbed my pointe shoes, as I managed to find an English speaking ballet class in Prenzlauer Berg, which I am desperate to sign up to.  Although, when I'll start that, I don't know!  Most excitedly though, I got to soak up all of my jewellery!  I've felt awfully naked this past year.  I only took my watch and my favourite necklace out traveling with me last July and within about four months, both ended up broken!  However, now that I'm not bustin' my ass in a carob field anymore, I figured it was safe to bring some other treasures home with me, so both my YSL Arty ring and my vintage Chanel brooch are now back into daily circulation.  It's surprising what a difference a little sparkle can make to both an outfit and my mood.

I still have some time left here in England and I am attempting to get as much work done as possible, as well as fitting in seeing as many friends as I can, whilst I have the opportunity!  Then, at the crack of dawn on Thursday, I shall be flitting off on a plane over to France for a week or so, to see another one of my favourites, before finally going home to Berlin.  It will most definitely have been a busy October!  I cannot even believe that it's nearly Christmas already.  I don't know where the past year has gone, it just blitzed right by!

How has your October been thus far?  Are you getting excited for Christmas yet?

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{Resolution 5} Start where you are.

If I've learnt anything in the past year, it's that sometimes you just need to completely let go - of your expectations, your grip on things, your fear and learn to just go with the natural flow of life.  Okay guys, admittedly this is easier said than done at times.  I myself often struggle.  I'm a really structured person, I appreciate a little routine and knowing upfront where I'm heading and what's in-store.  I'm impatient and I like things to happen at lightning speed, because hey, once I get an idea in my head and allow myself to get excited, I don't want to be waiting around!  But sometimes, just sometimes, you've got to take a step back, slow right down and accept that things might not be heading straight in the direction you were aiming for.  Sometimes you have to accept a detour.

With Mercury in retrograde this month, my current detour back in England couldn't be more apt!  If you're not astrologically inclined, Mercury, the great planet of communication, likes to take a little step back in time on average about three times a year, for the duration of about three weeks.  This reversal tends to throw a few things off balance and can disrupt even our best laid plans.  Yes, it can be hectic and a little brutal, however, it's also a good time for deep reflection.  Going back over your ideas, your thoughts, your values and any plans you've made and really questioning whether they're still right, or in need of adjustment.

For me, things in Berlin had simply reached a stalemate in every aspect and my mind had become fogged, meaning I was completely unable to make an informed decision about what to do next.  Although returning to England in some ways will always feel a little defeatist, even if it is only for a few weeks vacation, I have come to recognise that it was the right thing to do and it has most definitely been a positive step in the right direction.  Staying with my beautiful best Charlotte and her lovely fiance Sebastian, has kept me grounded and boosted my positivity and creativity no end.  They are both very heart-centred loving people and I think, when you're around that type of energy, it just can't help but rub off on you.

I've been able to really shift my perspective and re-evaluate a few things this past week.  I honestly love my work, I love living in Berlin and whilst I am still climbing a very steep hill to get to where I really want to be, I am truly happy.  I think it's important to acknowledge that at the end of the day, we're all human and we humans don't half have a lot of emotion encased within our fleshy selves.  Unfortunately, at times, whilst our higher selves might be clued up and believing, occasionally our emotions will get the better of us and no doubt, we will find ourselves crumbling into a teary heap of disbelief and doubt.  That's okay.  That's normal.  That's what comes of having one foot on the ground and the other in the ether.  The main thing is to feel what you feel when you feel it and then let it go.

For the most part, we are all striving to get to a particular destination.  Each individual to ourselves.  It's hard not to want to click your fingers and for it all to be magically manifested in front of you, but these things take time and let's face it, as impatient as we can sometimes be, we know that the best things in life are worth waiting for.  So this Mercury retrograde is a particularly good time to reaffirm to yourself what it is that you want in life, where it is you're aiming for.  We might not be able to have it all right this minute, but we can at least do what we can, with what we have, right now and be appreciative of that.

“Look inside yourself, everything that you want, you are already that.”
— Rumi

N.B.  All photos accompanying my Happiness Project posts will be taken from one of my Pinterest boards, which hosts all the images that make me happy.  Feel free to check it out in the meantime, for more happy snaps.

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Finding birth in death.

Honestly, sometimes I think that I should make 'Never Gives Up' my middle name.  Over the course of this past week, it had felt as though I had thrown all of my cards up in the air and I was merely waiting, patiently and nervously, for them to finally fall, so I could see where and how they landed.  I could sense that the beginning of the week would finally reveal all and I would either find myself in exaltation, or a state of disappointment induced catatonia.  By Monday night, the first card fell and it landed on the thorn of a rose bush, sending out an ominous wave, which terrified me somewhat.  By Tuesday afternoon, all had come crashing down around me and suddenly, fogged by grief at the chaos I was laying in, I honestly felt like running away.

Alas, when you've sold all your belongings, including your bed and your house has tenants until the Spring, you have to face the fact that you have nowhere to run to.  Sometimes, that stark reality has a tendency to make the blind panic worse.  Trapped by a complete feeling of hopelessness.  Unable to make a decision about which direction to take.  However, allowing myself to crumble into a pitiful puddle of tears, I recognised that this was a kind of death I was experiencing and I believe that every death births a new beginning.  Thus, from the ashes of all my failings, I rose a stronger, better, more hopeful me today.  Ready to start again...again.

They say, if you want something you've never had, you have to do something you've never done.  So okay, my first attempts didn't bear fruit, so do I just give up?  No!  I might give myself a minute to fall apart and cry out my misery, but then I brush myself off and I try again.  Only this time I just try something different and I keep trying until I succeed.  Because ultimately, if you know in your gut that you can do it, if you believe in yourself to that extent and believe in what you are aiming to achieve, then you simply have to push on, regardless of the obstacles.  The best things in life are worth fighting for and nothing worth fighting for is easily attained, trust me, I can attest to that.

So for now, it's time to say Auf Wiedersehen to Berlin for just a few short weeks, so that I may head back to England, to spend time with some of my favourite people, including the lovely Charlotte, who, along with her equally lovely fiance Sebastian, are going to house me for the duration.  It is fair to say that I have to some degree, avoided going back to England for visits since I left last July, as I can't help but always feel a little defeatist at the thought of returning and after my last visit at Christmas, I just found myself feeling rather unhappy there.  However, on this occasion I feel different.  I'm genuinely excited!  I really am.

I mean, I miss Berlin already and I've not stepped on the plane yet, but I do feel all kinds of bubbling enthusiasm building in my stomach at the thought of being back in England for a little bit.  I know entirely for sure that Berlin is where I want to live.  I love it here, my heart is here, but with everything that's gone on this past month and this week in particular, I feel as though I need a break, in order to click the refresh button and fall back in love with the city.  They say distance makes the heart grow fonder and as my time away in Rome, back in June, proved, I am sure I will be flying home to Berlin with a spring in my step in a few weeks time.

I think that every negative has a positive, so for every door that closes and for every deviation to the 'plan', we are merely forced to take a different and better route, which eventually leads to a better destination than the one we had imagined.  So, embracing this deviation, my intention is to fully embrace my time in England, seeing friends, mère, Mr Pig, getting reacquainted with some of my few things in storage, eating my weight in hummus (it's so expensive and abysmal here) and stockpiling English essentials to bring back.  I'm going to take this time out to really get inspired, come up with some new ideas and ways in which I can 'make shit happen' and come back to Berlin kicking ass!

Prepare yourself people, I have positivity beaming out of my suitcase!

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