{Insightful Sunday} Freedom

Being out here in France, with the sun shining and the only audible sound being the flow of the nearby river and the birds singing, I have to admit, I've struggled with the thought of returning to a cold and industrial Berlin.  Sometimes distance makes your heart grow fonder and sometimes, it forms a gap that seemingly knows no bounds.  For me, there is a lot tied up in Berlin.  Since I first flew to the city back in May, I have spent five months somewhat struggling to forge a life for myself there.  Settling in, finding routine, falling in love.  Only now, in all honesty, I feel as though I'm getting cold feet.

It's that age old adage of be careful what you wish for.  Living out of a suitcase has been a combination of freeing and distressing, in equal measure.  At some points I have embraced it and other times, I have cried in anguished longing, just for a place to call my own.  However, sat thinking about it, knowing how close I am to perhaps being in a state of settlement, I can't help but feel the panic setting in.  Whilst I have no doubt that I would relish having my own space and being in my own environment, there is a part of me that worries that I will rapidly begin to feel like a trapped bird, encased within a cage of my own reckless creation.

It's an odd and difficult balance to attempt to find, that of both freedom and security.  I believe that for the most part, I truly have come to feel secure within myself.  I have finally found that home I so desired, deep within myself.  A feeling of which I have spent the past year painfully attempting to achieve, so in retrospect, perhaps I've actually managed to grow more than I thought.

I don't think this concern is a case of indecisiveness anymore, I think it's more so about the feeling of freedom.  I had a conversation with the Rabbi a while ago, in regards to relationships and the importance of finding the balance between our needs and our desires, our commitment and our freedom.  I've always thought of myself as a burning fire.  When people tried to contain me within the confines of a 'relationship', they always ended up getting burnt.  I couldn't handle the feeling of being penned in.  When I did eventually commit myself to a relationship, it ended with me feeling as though I'd been entirely extinguished.  After more than two years together, when it ended, I felt as though I'd been left in a pile of ashes.  In some ways, this is what I worry about with settling in Berlin, or in fact, anywhere.

Traveling has fanned my flames and whilst I accept that I can't realistically live out of a suitcase forever, I equally couldn't bare to go back to the type of structured life that I had before, either.  I mean, I've gone from one extreme to the other; a comforted life at 'home', that I perpetually dreamt of escaping, to a life that is completely without root or attachment.  My challenge now, is to find the balance between the two, because, I really do need my freedom in order to feel happy and content, however, I also need to be able to balance that roaming heart, with the ability to commit to something, somewhere, or someone, without falling into the feeling of being trapped.  So maybe I'll settle in Berlin, or maybe I'll end up somewhere else, but I will settle, in my own way.  I guess for now, I'm just continuing to see where the breeze carries me.

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{Lately on Instagram}

I have to say, the past week was filled with a lot of loveliness.  It started with me being treated to a very healthy and delicious breakfast with Mère and our beautiful friend Dina, in Sevenoaks on the weekend, followed by a lengthy catchup with my dear friend Lucy in town afterwards.  Then on Sunday, I got to see a few more of my friends, this time two of my oldest, who I've known for nearly twenty years!  Funny how that time just flies right by.  Doesn't seem two minutes ago that we were teenagers, running around town, crying over some silly boy.  Yet, here we are, one engaged to be wed, two tots in tow and the other, happily living with her man and considering a career change.

After the weekend, I spent the first half of the week squirreled away indoors, attempting to work during the day and then, in the evenings, I got to spend precious time with Charlotte.  Whilst we keep in touch daily via phone, it's nice to be able to actually see her in person and have a giggle over something or other.  I was genuinely sad to leave her on the Wednesday, when I packed up and went over to stay at Mère's, in preparation for the ridiculously early morning flight, the following day.  I honestly couldn't ever imagine living in England again, but it would occasionally be nice to be able to see my friends more regularly than twice a year.

Wednesday night I took the time to soak up the proximity of Mr Pig, who I miss terribly.  Mère and her partner, have been graciously looking after him for the past fourteen months and whilst it's not ideal, being so far apart from one another, I'm not currently in a position to have him with me in Berlin and he is very happy and very spoilt living with them.  The day I get an apartment and he is returned to me, will be an overwhelmingly happy one and I will look forward to it.

Finally, on Thursday morning, I hopped on the short flight to France and have been surprised and thankful that the weather here has been so glorious!  I've been able to sit out in my friend Kate's beautiful garden and do my work, whilst soaking up the warmth of the sun, with the company of her two cuddly dogs.  I've been treated to purple porridge for breakfast, homemade soup for lunch and lots of chatting throughout.  It has been a really nice chilled week and I've really appreciated it.

I hope your week has been a good one too.

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Finding the beauty in the great unknown.

I love Berlin, I really do and whilst I know that I don't wish to live there indefinitely, I do very much want to give it a year or two, because I feel as though it's a city with an awful lot to give.  However, I think taking a time out and returning to England was healthy for me and sometimes in life, we do need to take a little breather and maybe even a little step back, just so as to gain perspective on certain matters in our lives.  My initial intention when I booked the flight, was to stay in England for two weeks, however, after only a few days of being there, I felt as though a fortnight away from Berlin just wasn't going to be sufficient.  Well, as is typical, no sooner had I allowed those thoughts to permeate, had another opportunity to travel arisen, hence, here I am, now in France, staying with one of my favourite people.

The last time I was here, in this particular part of France, it was February.  The weather at the time was dreadful; awfully cold and rainy and my friend and I mostly stayed indoors, huddled by the fire, watching copious films, whilst her two large dogs snoozed happily on the floor nearby.  We also did an awful lot of baking in those few weeks.  Cold snaps definitely invoke the need for sugary comforts I find.  Being back here now, with it being relatively warm and thankfully quite sunny, it all seems quite surreal.  In fact, my entire life, as it stands, feels rather surreal at times.  Saying goodbye to Mère at the airport had not left me soggy-eyed, as it had done nine months prior, on my last visit.  Walking into the terminal hall did not make my stomach flip with nervous anxiety, as it had the first time I had flown out here on my own, all of eighteen months ago.

In fact, having counted up, I have thus far clocked up seven flights since only January of this year and now, flitting from one country to another, is about as normal to me as hopping on a train from Kent to London.  There is absolutely no trepidation whatsoever.  Which, is something I am rather thankful for, because, it was not that long ago that there was.  In fact, I recall booking a flight to Rome for my twentieth birthday and being adamant that I was going to go off, on my own.  I so desperately wanted to.  I have lived my life as a complete romantic and at this time of my life, I had many adventurous notions.  I constantly wanted to just pack up and flit off to somewhere, quite on my own and explore.  However, it seemed as though I didn't quite have the gumption required at the time and so, with the departure day approaching, I ended up panicking and begging a friend to go with me, which thankfully she did.

I think back on that time and to where I am now and it truly amazes me that finally, I am able to just pack a bag, hop on a plane and flit off to where I fancy.  Completely alone.  Completely without worry or fear.  I really appreciate and enjoy it and whilst I do occasionally feel a little homesick and sorrowful at my lack of anchorage, it's at times like this that I realise how fortunate I am.  How much freedom I have.  Although, this then has the tendency to almost make me break out in hives at the thought of tying myself to a permanent address anywhere, but I think it's unrealistic to think that we can sustain such an imbalanced life for long without suffering.  When I think back to when I lived in England and worked a day job, six days a week, I continually craved my freedom and desperately sought escape.  Now I am entirely free, but I cannot deny that my freedom comes at a cost; that of a home and my own personal space, amongst other things.

Everything I do now, is to work towards finding a balance in my life.  To lay roots, but have the freedom of exploration.  I think, the more you learn to find that balance, the less affected you are by the 'grass is always greener' condition.  For me personally, prior to traveling, I spent a lot of my life dreaming of a better one and even now, I sometimes have to be reminded to be present and acknowledge how great things are and to be thankful of that.  Okay, I can't say that I know where I'm going to be, or what I'll be doing, next month, or even by Christmas, but I can say that I'm finally alright with that.  When it comes to life, whilst you may have a direction in mind and an idea of the journey to get there, you simply can't have a plan, because you just don't know what's going to happen and there are always guaranteed to be curve-balls thrown your way.  The more you learn to let go and work with what comes up, unexpected or otherwise and go with the eventual detours, the happier you'll be, because constantly pushing against the tide will only serve to wear you out in the end.

So here I am, in France, the sun is shining, it's the middle of October, I'm finishing up my book and enjoying spending time with my friend.  What happens after here is currently unknown, but I'm okay with that.

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