It was just time to let go

Analysing my face in the mirror today, as I applied my makeup, I realised just how staggeringly little my face appears to have aged in the past ten years.  I'm nearly thirty and people are still presuming I'm about twenty and asking if I'm here in Berlin studying.  I guess I should be thankful and I am, to a certain extent, although, admittedly, at times, it can be a little frustrating, especially when people seem intent on treating me like a child.

Regardless of my gratitude, I'm more amazed than anything, that I have managed to keep this childlike demeanor for so long, I mean, I haven't always been the clean living, T-total, vegan, yogi hipster I am today!  Heck no!  Back in the day, I was a binge drinking, drug abusing, carnivorous social smoker, whose only exercise was the short walk to the supermarket next to work, where I used to brazenly steal bars of chocolate.  Yes guys, I have a past, a dark one.

That's the thing though, it is my past and I've changed and evolved.  I've let go of a lot and I'm not just talking about the physical things, like my house, or my possessions, I'm also talking about bad habits, out-dated beliefs and a whole lot of self-worth issues.  As cliched as it may sound, I genuinely did find my inner happiness over the course of my traveling, but sometimes, when you find the meaning to your own life, through this very fluid and nomadic state, it can be hard to keep it all in check, when things change and you find yourself stationary.

When it's just me, a suitcase and the open road, I can totally embrace it.  I let go and I'm happy, but the minute I put down my anchor, I just seem to pile on the expectations.  Needing an apartment, needing things, needing structure and routine, you name it, the list goes on and on.  That's when I have to ask myself, how, after everything, after living without these things for so long and knowing full well that I can be gloriously happy without them, do I still allow myself to be so weighed down by my longing for them?

When you learn to let go of everything, including your expectations, your attachment to the eventual outcome, the desire to know all the answers and just give way to the here and now, the great unknown, the natural fluidity of all life, things do just happen, they do just flow and fall gently into place.  Annoyingly, I know this better than anyone and just as annoyingly, I seem to find myself forgetting all the God damn time!  Over and over again, I bundle up into a ball of self-pity, worry and tears, concerned with the what ifs and holding on too tightly to all the things I think I need.

One of my favourite astrologers (beside mère), Kaypacha, recently said, "pain comes when there is a build up of energy, when we are overly focused on something, or overly attached to something, or afraid to let go of something.  It's like we dam the river and the pressure builds up.  You always have what you need and if something goes away, it's because you don't need it anymore and you may not understand it and it may hurt at the time and it may take time for those emotional cords, that are cut or broken, to heal but ultimately, that's when you need faith."

I think he's got a point.  So okay, everything is still very much up in the air at the moment and no, I still don't have my apartment, Mr Pig is still living it up back in England with mère and G and things with the Rabbi are still 'undefined', but for now, I guess I do have everything I need and maybe, just maybe, I need to let go and embrace that and trust that when the time is right, everything will fall into place, just as it's meant to.

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I miss the girl I used to be.

Winter is so brutal in its bitterness.  The light not only fades on the afternoon, but also on my happiness.  All I crave is hibernation.  To be in my own space, in my own bed, arms and legs wrapped comfortingly around the one I love.  Alas, instead I am still without my own home and feeling somewhat alone.  Alone in a dark, grey and abysmally cold Berlin, that seemingly offers no breaks.

Over the summer, everything seemed simple, sure it was hard and I certainly had my moments, but for the most part, I felt content, even if I was sleeping on a kitchen floor for most of it!  Of course, I acknowledge that in some ways, in order for things to change, I need to accept them as they are, but damn, at times, in truth, that's hard.  Really hard.  I haven't had a home for eighteen long months.  The memory of my own space, being surrounded by my own things, whilst I lay in my own bed, it brings me to tears with sorrow, it really does.

I made some huge sacrifices in order to get to this moment in time, but ultimately, I made them to gain some much needed perspective and that was something I felt was incredibly important and despite how I feel right now, I couldn't be more grateful for everything I have learnt along the way, I really couldn't.  However, sometimes those gains just don't make the losses any easier.  Sometimes, it's apparent that we just don't know what we have until it is gone.  Long gone.

I can't deny that I've been through a lot these past few years.  It's been a really rough period.  Really rough.  I guess if nothing else, it has served to show me just how tough I actually can be, especially when perhaps I was beginning to see myself as entirely helpless.  Honestly though, even I am questioning as to whether or not I'm tough enough to carry on, but what's the alternative?  When you burn the bridges you cross, the only option is to continue on ahead, in the hope that things get better.

Right now, I pray for spring to hurry its arrival, so my skin can feel its gentle warmth again and these dark, depressing days can finally be over.  I pray for the one I love to make me feel loved and secure, to be able to at long last feel settled here, for this awful period of uncertainty to pass and to ultimately return to that sense of contentment and happiness I miss so much.  I really need these things.  I need them more than I've ever needed anything before.

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S.A.D.

It appears as though Christmas is fast on the approach and here in Berlin, it would seem that you cannot turn a corner without there being a reminder; whether it's the heavily decorated trees being erected in all the squares, the sways of twinkly lights, sashaying across the ceilings of every department store or the seasonal songs blaring out in the supermarkets – it's safe to say, there is no escape. Personally, I am completely numb to the holidays. I haven't been at home at Christmas in nearly three years and this year will be no exception.

Long gone are the days I frantically ran round the stores, working up a sweat trying to pick out the perfect gifts for loved ones, in fact, I've not so much as sent a card to someone in years. To me, Christmas has always been more about the feeling; that warm fuzzy type you get in your gut, when you start to realise the season has started. The ads on TV, the songs on the radio, the 'seasonal' aisle in the supermarket. I like the cheer, I like the movies, the general vibe.

Having been just mère and I for Christmas since my dad died, five years ago, there hasn't ever been much fanfare in our house on the day. Normally, we simply sleep in, spend the day in our pyjamas, eating our weight in mince pies, whilst watching old movies and then sometime around midday, I cook us a huge feast of a dinner, after which we lay on the floor, bloated to sin, playing board games. It's simple, but it's how I like it. Sadly though, it's been a while since I've experienced it and sadder still, it will probably be another year until I experience it again.

In truth, the winter is a hard time for me and it doesn't seem to get any easier, as the years pass. Perhaps I shall simply attempt to ignore its presence and try my best to hibernate, keeping in mind that spring will come around soon enough...soon enough.

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