Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow!

After a sleepless night, which lead to a few missed alarm calls, I found myself running late for yoga yesterday afternoon and panicking that I'd end up crammed in a tight corner by the door, getting cold from the draught, I ended up walking at great pace through the rain, between train rides, attempting to make it to class on time.  Yet, by the time I finally did arrive, out of breath and entirely flustered, incredibly, I was somehow early, which then only served to make me annoyed for having stressed myself out rushing in the first place!

Alas, I caught my breath and stripped off my layers and as I did so, I looked up to see the most glorious of sights; the first few flakes of winter's snow, falling gracefully from the sky and landing softly on the courtyard ground outside.

Now, admittedly, I've been a complete Grinch since I got back from France and the bitterness of Berlin's winter was certainly breaking my spirit rather brutally for a while, but seeing those little flecks of white happily dancing outside the window, set off a little spark of holiday spirit in my icy cold heart.  It really did.  I even almost wept a little.  Although, let's face it, I think everything makes me cry these days.

I haven't bought Christmas cards or presents for a few years now, as I'm completely over the commercialism of Christmas, against peer pressured consumerism and yes, probably a bit of a Grinch, but I did find some very festive German Christmas cards the other day, so, clearly in a good mood, I bought a few (attempting not to wince at the ridiculousness of how much they cost) and am going to actually make the effort to send them out to a special few people.

In fact, if it didn't cost so ruddy much, I admittedly would buy more cards, simply because, in truth, there is a rather large list of people who really are special to me and who I feel I owe a great thanks to.  Over the past eighteen months, there have been so many people who have gone out of their way to help me and I really would not have made it through, what has ended up being, the toughest time of my life...but that's another post entirely.

For now, I am simply happy that I am starting to feel the teeny tiny tingle of what could end up being my festive cheer!

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Yogi body, yogi mind.

I've said it before and damn it, I'll say it again, yoga heals all wounds!  When I first moved to Berlin from France, on an intuitive hunch, I knew I liked the city, but it wasn't until I began my yoga practice here, that I truly fell in love with the place.

I've done yoga sporadically since I was fourteen; from Hatha to Ashtanga and even some Bikram out in the Spanish mountains, in a cave no less, but the centre I go to here, Yellow Yoga, offers a wide range of variations and it's been through doing Vinyasa that I've wound up finding my peace.

I properly began practicing back in May, when I first moved and it quickly became my daily routine, making sure to attend a ninety minute class, every day, six days a week.  I found that doing it regularly really made the difference.  It helped ground me and clear my mind, when I had a lot of questions, doubts and uncertainties about life.  In fact, I think I can count on one hand, the amount of classes I managed to get through without crying!

Sadly though, by the time the heat began to fade and my bicycle got kidnapped by strangers, my practice began to slow down to back-to-back classes, (Vinyasa followed by Yin) just a few times a week, before I eventually ceased attending class altogether in September, which ended up being such a hard month for me.  I was suffering from a heartache like no other and whilst in truth, that was when I needed time on the mat more than ever, I simply couldn't face it and instead chose to hide away, suffering from a horrendous bout of insomnia and struggling to keep a dry eye.

Unfortunately, I realised recently that it was starting to become hard to think straight and keep focused on things.  My positivity levels had dropped into the red, my sleep pattern was entirely off kilter and I generally just felt out-of-tune and sluggish.  Combine all of that with the winter blues and I think it's safe to say, that I was heading for a fall down the rabbit hole into bleak depression!

Now, I'm not gonna say that I think there's one solution for everybody, but I myself have certainly come to recognise what I need in life and I need yoga!  I need that little bit of time to myself each day, where I can sit and focus, without distraction.  I need that little bit of structure and routine to my day.  My body needs that stretch.  My mind needs that clearing and yes, my eyes sometimes need to cry.

So, after more than three months away from the studio, I actually danced around my bedroom with over exaggerated excitement on Sunday night, when mère's partner G messaged me to say he'd gifted me a pass for the month.  I went straight back to class yesterday and cried tears of joy, when my favourite teacher gasped 'YOU'RE BACK!' and then ran over and hugged me!  I'd almost forgotten how much I missed my yogi community!

After ninety minutes of meditation and stretching, I came out feeling completely centred and remembering once again why I fell in love with this city!  It sounds like such a simple, inane thing, but it's surprising just how much of a difference it makes.  I finally feel grounded again, my positivity has returned, I feel like I've gained some perspective and as ridiculously shallow as it sounds, I have to admit that I love how the gold mat mère bought me for my birthday back in July, now goes so luxuriously with my giant black faux fur stole!  I smiled gleefully carrying it in my arms on the U-Bahn there and back.

Okay winter, I am equipped to handle you now, so show me what you've got!

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{Insightful Sunday} it's okay to not be okay

I have three words for you: seasonal affective disorder.  Yes, I may have got over thirteen years of suicidal depression, but it seems that I still can't shake the winter blues.  My sleep cycle is completely off balance, the sun seems to only shine for a few short hours each day and I feel as though the evening's darkness is ever present.

I don't want to wish my days away, but I miss the summer.  I miss the heat.  Some days, I feel as though I'm losing the plot entirely.  There are only so many films, so many books, so many chocolate bars, before I crave something new, something fresh.  I'm drowning and winter has only just begun.  I don't think I'll make it to March without a sunbed or a vacation!

I might be a beaming light of positivity during the summer, filled with excitement, bursting with enthusiasm and bubbling with ideas, but right now, in the midst of winter, I am Scrooge incarnate.  I wanna be grumpy and hide under the covers, moping and moaning at how awful this season is.  I'm sorry guys, but sometimes, I just can't be the happy, hopeful person I'd like to be.  Sometimes I'm not okay and sometimes, it's okay not to be okay.

Just as the seasons change, so do our habits and our moods and just as we can be bouncing off the walls with energy one minute, we may have to accept that we're going to be abysmally lethargic and perhaps a little withdrawn the next.  We don't do ourselves any favours by beating ourselves up over it.  Sometimes we just need to accept our limitations and embrace the quietude.

So no, I'm not okay, no, I'm not high on happiness and no, that's probably not about to change anytime soon, but you know what, I'm okay, with not being okay.  At least for now.

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