{Lately on Instagram}

Remember in the Spring and Summer months last year, when life was all bicycle rides, reading in parks, falling in love and eating cake with friends at cute cafes?  Yeah, I miss those months.  They were great, weren't they.  Now that we're in the depths of Winter, whilst admittedly a mild one, it seems as though all the romanticism that I know life has to offer, has dissipated and left only the dregs to cling to.

Each and every morning (in all honesty, I use the term 'morning' very loosely here), I find myself struggling more and more, to throw back the duvet and force myself out of bed and into the frosty antarctic, that has become the Berlin apartment I inhabit.  When I eventually do manage to encourage myself to peel away the layers, I then face the somewhat gruesome battle of the bathroom.  Stripping my clothes off and hopping in the shower, provokes intense wincing and I equally grimace every time I go to get dressed, finding myself pulling on the same damn pair of DM's, I've been sporting for the past two years now.  Did I happen to mention how much I loathe Winter?  Because I do, I really, really do.

I admire anyone who is able to thrive in this environment.  Those that embrace the cold and are able to find sartorial comfort.  Unfortunately, the majority of my wardrobe is currently made up of thin sheer blouses, loose fitting T-shirts and vintage leather running shorts.  This does not a winter ensemble make and thus, I am finding the perpetual uniform of boots, jeans and sweaters achingly dire and misery inducing.

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I am attempting to make the most of these grim dark days though, honestly I am.  For starters, I've invested in lots of deliciously scented candles (found for a mere few cents down at Rossmann), which are helping to give my bedroom a cosy, softly lit atmosphere, in the evening, as I usually huddle for dear life next to the radiator, wrapped up in my pyjamas.  I also bought a few more pens for my Mandala colouring book, because as far as I'm concerned, spending evenings listening to jazz whilst colouring in, is perfectly acceptable as you approach thirty.  I also received a much appreciated care package, from Mère and G this week, which included a couple of my favourite DVDs - A Single Man and Amélie.  So, nights in are pretty prepped.

As far as venturing out though, I have been forcing myself to do that more too, as I know how much of a hermit I have a tendency to become in the Winter and really, whilst it's perfectly acceptable and even indeed, somewhat necessary at times to take a back seat and enjoy some solitude, I think there is a limit and after the quietude of Christmas, I was certainly reaching crisis point when it came to my own company!

Thus, on top of my usual yoga schedule (which I have tried not to get too fanatical about), this past week I have: made friends and gone for falafel with a bearded vegan New Yorker from yoga, taken a trip to Markthalle Nuen's Thursday Street Food Market, to indulge in my favourite Bao Burger, with a cute German man shape for company, taken strolls around Friedrichshain with my Australian friend, happily stumbling across an awesome new cupcake cafe on Krossener Straße in the process, which happens to offer a plethora of vegan options to rival the Cupcake Cafe in Margate (if you haven't been yet, you really should) and, after exchanging emails during last summer, finally met and made friends with my fellow Brit, now Berlin neighbour and editor of the dope ass Shlur magazine, over a glass of wasser in one of our many local bars.

This weekend is looking to be equally as packed, as I am continually attempting to find new things to do, in order to stop myself stagnating indoors.

What about you guys, got any plans?

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Change and Evolve

Clearing out my wallet earlier, I had a quick glance at my passport, which is always safely nestled inside and almost had a small coronary, when I realised that it's in need of renewal this year.  (I'm already dreading the German paper trail I'll no doubt have to navigate for it come the summer.)  How did nearly ten years go by in such a flash!?  I can still remember the moment I sat in the photo booth getting it taken.  I look at that picture now and whilst to a certain extent, my face really hasn't aged particularly, I recognise that I am so far removed from the person I once was.  My life in itself has changed so irrevocably, it's almost shocking at times to realise.

From the minute I hit my teens, I spent endless hours and days, dreaming of what my life would be like when I grew up and hit thirty.  Then, all of a sudden, seemingly out of nowhere, thirty was no longer a decade away, instead it was just a couple of birthdays in front and I came to realise that I couldn't spend my days dreaming of the future anymore, because it had unexpectedly caught up with me and I was staring it in the face.  It honestly feels as though the biggest, most dramatic changes in my life have really occurred solely over these past two years, as though I was gently ambling along all my life and then in an instant, I was forcefully propelled forward through about ten years worth of evolvement!  It was kind of hard, definitely turbulent, but ultimately necessary.

On the surface I may not look any different, barely a line on my face, or a hint of maturity in my demeanor, but in truth, I am entirely unrecognisable to the person I once was.  Not just the person I was ten years ago, or even two, but even to the person I was six months ago.  That's the thing though, life is all about changing and evolving.  It's a circulatory process.  Meeting new people, letting go of others.  Giving out and receiving in.  Opening our hearts, accepting the breaks.  Making mistakes and learning lessons.  It's a never ending process and the more we accept the impermanence of every state of being, every moment, every feeling, every relationship, every experience, good and bad, the more we take from each thing and thus in turn, the more we grow.

Growth is painful at times though and as much as we wish to realise our dreams, sometimes our reluctance to make sacrifices in order to achieve them, are ultimately what hold us back.  I mean, take a look at me, I have made huge leaps and bounds towards the realisation of my dreams, dreams that once saturated my imagination for a large part of my life.  I finally have the freedom I always craved.  I no longer live by someone else's timescale, or demands.  I simply sleep when I want, I wake when I please and yes, for the most part, I live on my yoga mat.  Sounds great right and in truth, it is.  Yes, I still have my struggles and my wobbly moments, but I genuinely love my life and am deeply happy, but it genuinely took the excruciatingly painful process of sacrificing everything, in order to get here.  I didn't just have to let go of the material things, I had to make peace with my past and let go of all my emotional baggage too.  All that heartache and suppressed anger that was causing me to drown in endless waves of suicidal depression and equally in turn holding me back from ever having the courage to try to do anything.

Sometimes the comfort of our dreams are what keep us from pursuing them, because we acknowledge that trying, might just involve the opportunity to fail and let's face facts, failure can be painful and often discouraging, but if we can take stock from those supposed failures and see them as the no's that redirect us to the yes's, then we're more likely to find direction in the dark.  I think that there are also times when we accept mediocrity simply because we don't believe we have the strength or the ability to actually make shit happen, so we live out these alternative lives in our mind, seeking comfort in them when 'reality' gets a bit much.  I for one am a huge believer in manifesting, what you think, you create, if you can see it, it can happen and having a vision and putting it out there is a good way to put out an intention to the universe, but it's equally important to recognise your part in the wheel.

At the end of the day, the most important thing is to learn to be accepting of change.  Even the difficult changes, the occasionally brutal ones, because they're all ultimately only preparation for the good changes to come.  We need to let go of whatever is weighing us down, whether it's someone, something, or even our own outdated psychology, in order to rise up to the surface and evolve into what we could only previously have dreamt of becoming.

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{Insightful Sunday} Simplicity

On New Year's Eve, I went to yoga in the afternoon, as per, then ran worriedly to the Bio Markt afterwards, before it closed at 2pm, before finally pottering off home to chill out for the evening.  I spent my time listening to music, chatting to my housemates and watching films in bed.  The fireworks started erupting outside at around 7pm and seemingly didn't stop until about 3am, by which time I was fast asleep.  Admittedly, I was kind of surprised when I spoke to people in the days following, as it seemed as though most had had a similar experience.  I won't lie, I'm not in any way the binge drinking, drug taking, party girl I may once have professed to be.  It's not an age thing, it's a 'me' thing and I am just happy in my simplicity these days.  I really am.

Regardless of the night's lack of misadventures though, I felt an excitement in me that day, for what was due to come in the new year and I fell asleep happy and I awoke just the same, but, in truth, the first ten days of the new year have not felt quite like the most awe-inspiring start that I was hoping for.  Currently, my relationship is in turmoil, my nights have been restless and my direction scattered.  Oh 2015, I had such high hopes for you and in truth, I honestly still do.  Not just because of a gut feeling, not least because my 2015/2016 Solar Return deems it so, but also just because I feel as though I have it in me to do great things this year.

Although, and this will sound entirely irrational, I think I genuinely have a fear of succeeding.  I just get scared sometimes, I genuinely do.  At times, when I know I'm on the cusp of making a breakthrough, I tend to find myself retreating a little, holding back, because usually, the struggle has been so long, so hard, that the possibility of finally reaching the completion of something, is almost somewhat terrifying in its unfamiliarity.  A little like spending your life pursuing a dream, only to finally actualise it and then wonder what the fuck you're meant to do now.

It tends to be a little like the tide; I have these great moments of incredible, often over-whelming self-belief, only to then be wiped out by a disastrous wave of self-doubt and insecurity.  Swinging wildly between "I can do this!" and "Oh shit, this is much harder than I thought it would be."  Worse still, when in this fragile state of self-delusion, I find myself further absorbed into the vortex of the internet.  My confidence and perspective lost to an unimaginable and endless stream of other people's lives and influences.  Funny how you can feel so stable, so centred in your own uniqueness and then all of a sudden, in a matter of only a couple of clicks, you crumble to the ground with enough insecurity to sink a ship.

I think that's what's hit me the most lately, how little time I dedicate to the simple things and how much time I waste on a relationship with the internet.  The latter does hold great merit, it really does.  The people I've met, the things I've learnt, the doors it's opened and yet, there is a fine line between appreciation and dependency.  Looking back seven or eight years, before Twitter and Instagram existed and Facebook was a fresh thing, my life revolved around book reading, discovering and being absorbed in new music, country walks, baking, chess playing, film watching.  Now, I start to read a chapter of a book and find myself grabbing my phone before I've even reached the end of the first paragraph, just in case someone's updated something life-changing online.

When did this happen!?  When did my existence become encased to such an extent within a faux reality!  I mean, on the surface, I'm someone who enjoys and indeed, revels in my solitude; constantly traveling alone and enjoying my peaceful quietude at home, yet in reality, maybe that's actually a complete fallacy, because perhaps I just never realised quite how much I cling to the company of others, through the distance of social media.  In fact, realising this made me want to shut everything down in a way, because, when you find yourself glued to your computer screen, wondering where the past four hours have gone, you start to think that perhaps you're wasting the preciousness of life, in its real state.

So, as the weather is grey and rainy, although, astonishingly warm for a January in Berlin and life feels a little on the slow setting this month, I have been making lists and redirecting my time and energies to far better things than my online persona.  Namely of course to my first love - yoga, of which I have been perhaps slightly obsessed with this past week, but honestly, when you have nowhere better to be and nothing better to do, why not spend six hours at the studio!  (Especially as Yellow Yoga have opened a second one over in Neukölln, which is like a Pinterest dream!)  Plus, I have such a huge appetite and a history of mistreating my body, so it feels good to be giving it some love via yogi push-ups and gentle stretches.  I really feel better in both my mind and body and I've been eating good, wholesome food like a horse and refusing to deny myself anything.  Come the summer, I think I'll be thankful for this month of dedication.

Bar all the yoga and the food indulgences, I've returned to my love of discovering music, especially this track by Years & Years, which I currently  have on repeat, reading my favourite book, The Lost Art of Keeping Secrets in bed by candlelight, which never fails to send me into a tizz, dreaming of 50's parties, with Louis Armstrong playing out La Vie en Rose and sipping hot chocolate at midnight (tries to stay calm whilst typing that) and indulging in some childlike meditation therapy, by way of my absolutely awesome new Mandala colouring book!  Yes, I may be approaching thirty, but colouring in never gets old!

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