{Lately on Instagram}

Is it just me, or are the weeks flying by like days?  I'm sure it was only Saturday a minute ago!  Although, having said that, January feels as though it has been the longest month.  I guess it always does though.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining, I mean, I'm really looking forward to Spring and of course Summer, more than you know, but at the same time, I can't help but feel conscious of how quickly time passes and I don't want to wish it away.  Not at all.  In fact, I'm trying to soak in every moment as much as is humanly possible.

Last week felt like such a blur of activity and thus, this week seemed quintessentially subdued by comparison.  In truth, I spent a large part of it gently going through the motions; eating, grocery shopping, film watching, doing yoga and of course, my favourite activity, sleeping!  It was a gentle and relaxing few days to myself, yet when a friend asked me what I'd done, answering 'not much really', admittedly made me feel a little self-conscious at first, but then I had to question why.  Because for me, the most important thing in life is simply to be happy and happiness of course, is a unique thing.  Everyone finds it in varying guises.

Personally, there are times when I am keen to be very social and then there are other times, when I simply prefer my solitude.  Then there are moments I find myself wanting to be active, followed by periods whereby I would rather be still.  I think these juxtapositions are most likely applicable to the majority of people and I believe that to appreciate and honour these differing moods, is both important and key to finding and maintaining happiness.  Because, if we're constantly attempting to adapt our behaviour, so that it can be deemed acceptable by others, then we'll never truly find acceptance with ourselves and it is that very acceptance, that creates a sense of harmony in our lives.  A feeling of which we need, in order to maintain our very happiness.

So, after spending a large part of the week silently ambling through the days, I found myself at Neue Heimat's Jazzy Berlin Jam Session on Friday night, drinking red wine (my first drink in eight months), listening to good music and chatting incessantly with friends.  Cue late night walks in the snow, rolling in at 4am and a Saturday, that's been heavily disguised as a Sunday.  I think it was a good end to a long month in fairness.  Roll on February, that's what I say!

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{Lately on Instagram}

Remember in the Spring and Summer months last year, when life was all bicycle rides, reading in parks, falling in love and eating cake with friends at cute cafes?  Yeah, I miss those months.  They were great, weren't they.  Now that we're in the depths of Winter, whilst admittedly a mild one, it seems as though all the romanticism that I know life has to offer, has dissipated and left only the dregs to cling to.

Each and every morning (in all honesty, I use the term 'morning' very loosely here), I find myself struggling more and more, to throw back the duvet and force myself out of bed and into the frosty antarctic, that has become the Berlin apartment I inhabit.  When I eventually do manage to encourage myself to peel away the layers, I then face the somewhat gruesome battle of the bathroom.  Stripping my clothes off and hopping in the shower, provokes intense wincing and I equally grimace every time I go to get dressed, finding myself pulling on the same damn pair of DM's, I've been sporting for the past two years now.  Did I happen to mention how much I loathe Winter?  Because I do, I really, really do.

I admire anyone who is able to thrive in this environment.  Those that embrace the cold and are able to find sartorial comfort.  Unfortunately, the majority of my wardrobe is currently made up of thin sheer blouses, loose fitting T-shirts and vintage leather running shorts.  This does not a winter ensemble make and thus, I am finding the perpetual uniform of boots, jeans and sweaters achingly dire and misery inducing.

I am attempting to make the most of these grim dark days though, honestly I am.  For starters, I've invested in lots of deliciously scented candles (found for a mere few cents down at Rossmann), which are helping to give my bedroom a cosy, softly lit atmosphere, in the evening, as I usually huddle for dear life next to the radiator, wrapped up in my pyjamas.  I also bought a few more pens for my Mandala colouring book, because as far as I'm concerned, spending evenings listening to jazz whilst colouring in, is perfectly acceptable as you approach thirty.  I also received a much appreciated care package, from Mère and G this week, which included a couple of my favourite DVDs - A Single Man and Amélie.  So, nights in are pretty prepped.

As far as venturing out though, I have been forcing myself to do that more too, as I know how much of a hermit I have a tendency to become in the Winter and really, whilst it's perfectly acceptable and even indeed, somewhat necessary at times to take a back seat and enjoy some solitude, I think there is a limit and after the quietude of Christmas, I was certainly reaching crisis point when it came to my own company!

Thus, on top of my usual yoga schedule (which I have tried not to get too fanatical about), this past week I have: made friends and gone for falafel with a bearded vegan New Yorker from yoga, taken a trip to Markthalle Nuen's Thursday Street Food Market, to indulge in my favourite Bao Burger, with a cute German man shape for company, taken strolls around Friedrichshain with my Australian friend, happily stumbling across an awesome new cupcake cafe on Krossener Straße in the process, which happens to offer a plethora of vegan options to rival the Cupcake Cafe in Margate (if you haven't been yet, you really should) and, after exchanging emails during last summer, finally met and made friends with my fellow Brit, now Berlin neighbour and editor of the dope ass Shlur magazine, over a glass of wasser in one of our many local bars.

This weekend is looking to be equally as packed, as I am continually attempting to find new things to do, in order to stop myself stagnating indoors.

What about you guys, got any plans?

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Change and Evolve

Clearing out my wallet earlier, I had a quick glance at my passport, which is always safely nestled inside and almost had a small coronary, when I realised that it's in need of renewal this year.  (I'm already dreading the German paper trail I'll no doubt have to navigate for it come the summer.)  How did nearly ten years go by in such a flash!?  I can still remember the moment I sat in the photo booth getting it taken.  I look at that picture now and whilst to a certain extent, my face really hasn't aged particularly, I recognise that I am so far removed from the person I once was.  My life in itself has changed so irrevocably, it's almost shocking at times to realise.

From the minute I hit my teens, I spent endless hours and days, dreaming of what my life would be like when I grew up and hit thirty.  Then, all of a sudden, seemingly out of nowhere, thirty was no longer a decade away, instead it was just a couple of birthdays in front and I came to realise that I couldn't spend my days dreaming of the future anymore, because it had unexpectedly caught up with me and I was staring it in the face.  It honestly feels as though the biggest, most dramatic changes in my life have really occurred solely over these past two years, as though I was gently ambling along all my life and then in an instant, I was forcefully propelled forward through about ten years worth of evolvement!  It was kind of hard, definitely turbulent, but ultimately necessary.

On the surface I may not look any different, barely a line on my face, or a hint of maturity in my demeanor, but in truth, I am entirely unrecognisable to the person I once was.  Not just the person I was ten years ago, or even two, but even to the person I was six months ago.  That's the thing though, life is all about changing and evolving.  It's a circulatory process.  Meeting new people, letting go of others.  Giving out and receiving in.  Opening our hearts, accepting the breaks.  Making mistakes and learning lessons.  It's a never ending process and the more we accept the impermanence of every state of being, every moment, every feeling, every relationship, every experience, good and bad, the more we take from each thing and thus in turn, the more we grow.

Growth is painful at times though and as much as we wish to realise our dreams, sometimes our reluctance to make sacrifices in order to achieve them, are ultimately what hold us back.  I mean, take a look at me, I have made huge leaps and bounds towards the realisation of my dreams, dreams that once saturated my imagination for a large part of my life.  I finally have the freedom I always craved.  I no longer live by someone else's timescale, or demands.  I simply sleep when I want, I wake when I please and yes, for the most part, I live on my yoga mat.  Sounds great right and in truth, it is.  Yes, I still have my struggles and my wobbly moments, but I genuinely love my life and am deeply happy, but it genuinely took the excruciatingly painful process of sacrificing everything, in order to get here.  I didn't just have to let go of the material things, I had to make peace with my past and let go of all my emotional baggage too.  All that heartache and suppressed anger that was causing me to drown in endless waves of suicidal depression and equally in turn holding me back from ever having the courage to try to do anything.

Sometimes the comfort of our dreams are what keep us from pursuing them, because we acknowledge that trying, might just involve the opportunity to fail and let's face facts, failure can be painful and often discouraging, but if we can take stock from those supposed failures and see them as the no's that redirect us to the yes's, then we're more likely to find direction in the dark.  I think that there are also times when we accept mediocrity simply because we don't believe we have the strength or the ability to actually make shit happen, so we live out these alternative lives in our mind, seeking comfort in them when 'reality' gets a bit much.  I for one am a huge believer in manifesting, what you think, you create, if you can see it, it can happen and having a vision and putting it out there is a good way to put out an intention to the universe, but it's equally important to recognise your part in the wheel.

At the end of the day, the most important thing is to learn to be accepting of change.  Even the difficult changes, the occasionally brutal ones, because they're all ultimately only preparation for the good changes to come.  We need to let go of whatever is weighing us down, whether it's someone, something, or even our own outdated psychology, in order to rise up to the surface and evolve into what we could only previously have dreamt of becoming.

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