With mercury in retrograde this month, I can feel its affects like a brick through a window, smashing my happy, positive outlook & leaving me feeling a little drained & withdrawn. It is forcefully imposing a time of reflection upon me, before I am shot back out into the world of possibilities come July.
Reflection though, often raises more questions than it serves to answer & I for one am struggling over; 'what do I really want.' In essence, I think I have drawn my conclusions on the answer to this, however, this then serves to raise a further question; 'how do I achieve this' & that, more so than anything, is something that brings me anxiety.
Whilst I am entirely adamant that seeing is believing & trust, faith & perseverance will naturally draw me to the right conclusions, in my current mindset, overheating in the Roman sun, I feel more like having a tantrum & flying back to the comforting embrace of mère. Although, I know from experience that this image is far more comforting than the reality.
Sometimes, it honestly feels as though I am adrift at sea. Some days I'm battling with high tides, others I'm floating peacefully in the gentle current. The real issue being that this sea & the subsequent battles I endure with it, are simply metaphors for my mind, of which I am so abysmally lost in. Yes, it seems I am at war with my own mind. Some days I win, others I am defeated, nonetheless, I continually pick myself up & brave on.
Last month, back in Berlin, Katie lent me a book: The Happiness Project, by Gretchen Rubin. I didn't take to it immediately, however, as its pages lessen towards the end, I am feeling rather sad at our impending separation. It's as though I didn't quite register my attachment until it was all too late.
In the book, Gretchen lists her twelve commandments for the year, in order to alter some of her behaviour & outlook, so as to increase her happiness. Midway through, she invites readers on her blog to list their twelve commandments, some of which I took to & have been considering adopting -
• Stay in touch
• Spread joy
• Shit happens
• Be loving & love will find you
• Expect a miracle
• I am already enough
• Recognise my ghosts
• What would I do is I weren't scared
• Give without limits, without expectations
• Start where you are
• Own less, love more
• Be present
I think, over the next month, as I battle out this reflective period, I would like to start, in a small way, my own happiness project. Taking the time to really reflect on my own behaviour, feelings & outlook, so that I may get a better grasp on how & why I seem to come up against the same internal blocks, which seem to continually cause me so much worry & angst. Perhaps then, by the time I return to Berlin at the end of June, I will feel better equipped to make the decisions that I know I will face & also, I hope of course to feel lighter & happier in the process.
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