Limitless

After an arduous time, spent missing out on some of the last and most precious bits of Autumn's sun, I have finally found freedom!  Twelve months of life lessons, condensed into one worryingly slim looking book and now, all that's left is an anxious wait.  Regardless of its publication, I feel happy at the very least, that I have finally followed something through to completion!  It feels satisfying to have accomplished something, especially when, at times, in all honesty, I felt like giving up entirely.

In fact, over the past fifteen months, since I set sail on this grand voyage of discovery, I have laughed and cried in equal measure.  There have been times when I have felt as though all has been lost, fallen apart spectacularly and wanted nothing more than to throw myself out of the nearest window.  However, for every time I reached my lowest low, I always managed to find a little glimmer of hope, that helped act as a ladder, to aid me back out into the light again, enabling me to find happiness once more.

This journey, whilst nearing completion, is in truth, not yet entirely over, but as tough as it has been and as tough as it may yet be, I am proud to say that having gone through it, I have found happiness, purpose, direction, love and faith.  Long gone are those woeful dark days of depression, where my dreams would simply fade into insignificance, entirely untrusting as they were, in their ability to come to fruition.  Now, instead, I have witnessed too many times how strong and courageous I can be, so I allow myself to get excited for the future, in spite of any fears that may still lurk in corners, because I know that I am more than capable of making shit happen!

I completely trust that things are going to work out, even when at times, things look a bit shady on the surface and I can't quite see how it's all going to come together.  After an incredibly long time, I have finally found faith in myself and in life.  That's not to say that I don't still crap my pants at times, or that I don't still have a wobble and cry myself to sleep, but those feelings simply don't weigh me down like they used to, because I accept them as par for the course.  I am human after all, it would kind of be weird if I wasn't a little emotionally unstable at some points.

The things is, I no longer beat myself up about it and for the most part, I just don't worry about things anymore.  One of the most important things I've learnt over the past year or so, is that it's okay, it's simply all okay.  It's okay to feel happy, to feel elated, to feel joy and excitement and it's equally just as okay to feel sorrow, or pain, to feel loss and to feel despair.  Life is simply an experience and it offers you a rainbow of emotions and you should want to feel everything!  Why wouldn't you!?  Why would you want to limit yourself, limit how you feel?

When it comes to the end, I would rather be physically and emotionally savaged by the ferocity of life, in all of its beautiful glory and know that I saw it all, than to have reached my death bed, unused and in one piece, because I didn't want to risk getting broken somewhere along the way.  So I give being guarded, or secretive, or scared the middle finger and I get up and I get dressed and I go out there and I live, breath and embrace life, in all its fucking glory, each and every fucking day, because life is for living not limiting!

“Don’t tell me the sky’s the limit, when there are footprints on the moon.”
— Paul Brandt

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{Lately on Instagram}

Does anyone else find that time just seems to fly right by at great speeds these days?  Or is this just me?  I can't keep up!  One minute it's February and the next, it's October!  Suddenly we've got a matter of weeks until Christmas and just over two months until an entirely new year begins.  It's almost surreal and also somewhat horrifying.  I mean, a lot has occurred over the past year and yet, sometimes it feels like nothing much has happened at all.

I look around and everyone seems to be progressing, finally moving into new phases of their lives and whilst I recognise that I too am doing the same, sometimes I feel impatient to see the change actually manifest.  Especially as winter is one of those seasons that tends to throw me into a deeply reflective, often dark place.  The anniversary of my dad's death in the early part of November, followed by the culmination of yet another year, another chapter's end and for all the hope and anticipation one cannot shake, in terms of the new year ahead, there is always the risk of subtle disappointment come January.

Right now, more than anything, all I really want to do is lace up my pointe shoes, pop on some music and pirouette gleefully around the room, eventually falling into bed at the end of the evening, with something good to read.  I miss reading.  I feel that I never have the time to indulge in it anymore, because I am always writing and sometimes, in all honesty, I grow sick of my own words.  For now however, I suppose I will simply have to deal with my impatience and persevere on.  One day I will spin again, until that time, I will enjoy the peace of France and its offerings of freshly baked baguettes and beautiful blue skies, with the nearness of someone I love.

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A beautiful beginning.

Today marks the Solar Eclipse/New Moon in Scorpio, signalling a time of completion and thus, in turn, an initiation into a new phase of our lives.  This is a chance to make changes, big changes.  A chance to let go of all that we've previously allowed to hold us back.  A chance to sever the ties with anything, or anyone, that no longer serves us, or our purpose.  There has truly never been a better time to take a leap of faith forward and embrace the new, in belief of our ability to be happy, truly happy and achieve great things.

When I think of how I spent over half my life in a suicidal depressive coma, self-harming, self-loathing, consistently feeling as though a part of me was missing, utterly lost and in need of direction, desperately in search of my purpose, I am often amazed that I managed to make it this far and even more remarkably, to have wound up so happy.  I sometimes wonder how I could have allowed myself to waste so much time, so much energy, on feeling so damn miserable.  It saddens me, but what saddens me more so, is to think of all the people who are still trapped in this viscous cycle, unable to find a way out.

We, as a society, spend so much time doing things simply because they're appropriate, or expected of us.  Because this was how we were raised to behave.  This is what we were raised to believe.  This is what is considered acceptable.  We're constantly concerned with gaining the approval of others, who in turn, are concerned with gaining approval from someone else themselves.  It's like the blind leading the blind!  Every now and then, someone, somewhere, wakes up, sees things for what they are and decides to just do their own thing, in their own way and in their own time and you know what, most of the time they get crucified for it!  Because people simply can't handle it, people don't like things that they can't understand and that at times, they're too afraid to do themselves.

Some of those people end up getting beaten back down by the judgement and criticism and find themselves downbeat and disheartened, but for some, they refuse to ever give up or go back and so, they kick and scream their way out regardless of opinion or peer pressure.  They might be afraid, but they're courageous enough to keep going and it's ultimately their success, that helps to inspire others to do the same.  With the world the way it is, it's not always easy being yourself and doing things in your own way, but believe me, it's a damn sight harder living as someone you're not, doing things you have no heart in, simply because you're too afraid to make a change.  I know this better than anyone and I can assure you, that I felt more inclined to kill myself when I seemingly 'fitted in', than I ever have being the oddball vagrant I am today.

We are all individual and unique and to even think, for one singular minute, that we can all live, eat, work, look or even love the same way is just down right preposterous.  There cannot be one direction, one journey, one rule for everyone.  We must cease from trying to 'conform', to 'fit in', to live up to other people's expectations of who they think we should be.  We know who we are and we need to start acknowledging, accepting and embracing that.  We have the ability to do and achieve anything and everything that our minds can imagine.  A sentiment that many are unable to accept or believe, because they live and see things in such a limited way and they will project that limitation onto you time and time again throughout your life.

Don't close your mind because someone tells you that you can't do what you dream of doing.  Don't hold back because someone tells you that what you're thinking is unrealistic or irrational.  The only thing to fear, is fear itself and so, the next time you feel that wave of anxiety begin to wash over you, say 'fuck it!' and do it anyway.  Throw caution to the wind.  Do what feels right for you.  Say 'I love you' when you feel it in your heart.  Eat that damn piece of cake and love your body, in whatever form it's in and most importantly, don't you dare waste a single minute feeling downhearted and incapable, because the only barrier in your life, is the one you put up and your sole purpose in this lifetime is to learn how to break that mother fucker down!

So go out there and BE BIG, BE BOLD and BE BRAVE!  Because you, above all, deserve to be happy!

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