Yogi body, yogi mind.

I've said it before and damn it, I'll say it again, yoga heals all wounds!  When I first moved to Berlin from France, on an intuitive hunch, I knew I liked the city, but it wasn't until I began my yoga practice here, that I truly fell in love with the place.

I've done yoga sporadically since I was fourteen; from Hatha to Ashtanga and even some Bikram out in the Spanish mountains, in a cave no less, but the centre I go to here, Yellow Yoga, offers a wide range of variations and it's been through doing Vinyasa that I've wound up finding my peace.

I properly began practicing back in May, when I first moved and it quickly became my daily routine, making sure to attend a ninety minute class, every day, six days a week.  I found that doing it regularly really made the difference.  It helped ground me and clear my mind, when I had a lot of questions, doubts and uncertainties about life.  In fact, I think I can count on one hand, the amount of classes I managed to get through without crying!

Sadly though, by the time the heat began to fade and my bicycle got kidnapped by strangers, my practice began to slow down to back-to-back classes, (Vinyasa followed by Yin) just a few times a week, before I eventually ceased attending class altogether in September, which ended up being such a hard month for me.  I was suffering from a heartache like no other and whilst in truth, that was when I needed time on the mat more than ever, I simply couldn't face it and instead chose to hide away, suffering from a horrendous bout of insomnia and struggling to keep a dry eye.

Unfortunately, I realised recently that it was starting to become hard to think straight and keep focused on things.  My positivity levels had dropped into the red, my sleep pattern was entirely off kilter and I generally just felt out-of-tune and sluggish.  Combine all of that with the winter blues and I think it's safe to say, that I was heading for a fall down the rabbit hole into bleak depression!

Now, I'm not gonna say that I think there's one solution for everybody, but I myself have certainly come to recognise what I need in life and I need yoga!  I need that little bit of time to myself each day, where I can sit and focus, without distraction.  I need that little bit of structure and routine to my day.  My body needs that stretch.  My mind needs that clearing and yes, my eyes sometimes need to cry.

So, after more than three months away from the studio, I actually danced around my bedroom with over exaggerated excitement on Sunday night, when mère's partner G messaged me to say he'd gifted me a pass for the month.  I went straight back to class yesterday and cried tears of joy, when my favourite teacher gasped 'YOU'RE BACK!' and then ran over and hugged me!  I'd almost forgotten how much I missed my yogi community!

After ninety minutes of meditation and stretching, I came out feeling completely centred and remembering once again why I fell in love with this city!  It sounds like such a simple, inane thing, but it's surprising just how much of a difference it makes.  I finally feel grounded again, my positivity has returned, I feel like I've gained some perspective and as ridiculously shallow as it sounds, I have to admit that I love how the gold mat mère bought me for my birthday back in July, now goes so luxuriously with my giant black faux fur stole!  I smiled gleefully carrying it in my arms on the U-Bahn there and back.

Okay winter, I am equipped to handle you now, so show me what you've got!

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It was just time to let go

Analysing my face in the mirror today, as I applied my makeup, I realised just how staggeringly little my face appears to have aged in the past ten years.  I'm nearly thirty and people are still presuming I'm about twenty and asking if I'm here in Berlin studying.  I guess I should be thankful and I am, to a certain extent, although, admittedly, at times, it can be a little frustrating, especially when people seem intent on treating me like a child.

Regardless of my gratitude, I'm more amazed than anything, that I have managed to keep this childlike demeanor for so long, I mean, I haven't always been the clean living, T-total, vegan, yogi hipster I am today!  Heck no!  Back in the day, I was a binge drinking, drug abusing, carnivorous social smoker, whose only exercise was the short walk to the supermarket next to work, where I used to brazenly steal bars of chocolate.  Yes guys, I have a past, a dark one.

That's the thing though, it is my past and I've changed and evolved.  I've let go of a lot and I'm not just talking about the physical things, like my house, or my possessions, I'm also talking about bad habits, out-dated beliefs and a whole lot of self-worth issues.  As cliched as it may sound, I genuinely did find my inner happiness over the course of my traveling, but sometimes, when you find the meaning to your own life, through this very fluid and nomadic state, it can be hard to keep it all in check, when things change and you find yourself stationary.

When it's just me, a suitcase and the open road, I can totally embrace it.  I let go and I'm happy, but the minute I put down my anchor, I just seem to pile on the expectations.  Needing an apartment, needing things, needing structure and routine, you name it, the list goes on and on.  That's when I have to ask myself, how, after everything, after living without these things for so long and knowing full well that I can be gloriously happy without them, do I still allow myself to be so weighed down by my longing for them?

When you learn to let go of everything, including your expectations, your attachment to the eventual outcome, the desire to know all the answers and just give way to the here and now, the great unknown, the natural fluidity of all life, things do just happen, they do just flow and fall gently into place.  Annoyingly, I know this better than anyone and just as annoyingly, I seem to find myself forgetting all the God damn time!  Over and over again, I bundle up into a ball of self-pity, worry and tears, concerned with the what ifs and holding on too tightly to all the things I think I need.

One of my favourite astrologers (beside mère), Kaypacha, recently said, "pain comes when there is a build up of energy, when we are overly focused on something, or overly attached to something, or afraid to let go of something.  It's like we dam the river and the pressure builds up.  You always have what you need and if something goes away, it's because you don't need it anymore and you may not understand it and it may hurt at the time and it may take time for those emotional cords, that are cut or broken, to heal but ultimately, that's when you need faith."

I think he's got a point.  So okay, everything is still very much up in the air at the moment and no, I still don't have my apartment, Mr Pig is still living it up back in England with mère and G and things with the Rabbi are still 'undefined', but for now, I guess I do have everything I need and maybe, just maybe, I need to let go and embrace that and trust that when the time is right, everything will fall into place, just as it's meant to.

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I miss the girl I used to be.

Winter is so brutal in its bitterness.  The light not only fades on the afternoon, but also on my happiness.  All I crave is hibernation.  To be in my own space, in my own bed, arms and legs wrapped comfortingly around the one I love.  Alas, instead I am still without my own home and feeling somewhat alone.  Alone in a dark, grey and abysmally cold Berlin, that seemingly offers no breaks.

Over the summer, everything seemed simple, sure it was hard and I certainly had my moments, but for the most part, I felt content, even if I was sleeping on a kitchen floor for most of it!  Of course, I acknowledge that in some ways, in order for things to change, I need to accept them as they are, but damn, at times, in truth, that's hard.  Really hard.  I haven't had a home for eighteen long months.  The memory of my own space, being surrounded by my own things, whilst I lay in my own bed, it brings me to tears with sorrow, it really does.

I made some huge sacrifices in order to get to this moment in time, but ultimately, I made them to gain some much needed perspective and that was something I felt was incredibly important and despite how I feel right now, I couldn't be more grateful for everything I have learnt along the way, I really couldn't.  However, sometimes those gains just don't make the losses any easier.  Sometimes, it's apparent that we just don't know what we have until it is gone.  Long gone.

I can't deny that I've been through a lot these past few years.  It's been a really rough period.  Really rough.  I guess if nothing else, it has served to show me just how tough I actually can be, especially when perhaps I was beginning to see myself as entirely helpless.  Honestly though, even I am questioning as to whether or not I'm tough enough to carry on, but what's the alternative?  When you burn the bridges you cross, the only option is to continue on ahead, in the hope that things get better.

Right now, I pray for spring to hurry its arrival, so my skin can feel its gentle warmth again and these dark, depressing days can finally be over.  I pray for the one I love to make me feel loved and secure, to be able to at long last feel settled here, for this awful period of uncertainty to pass and to ultimately return to that sense of contentment and happiness I miss so much.  I really need these things.  I need them more than I've ever needed anything before.

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