{Insightful Sunday} Self-Acceptance

If you looked at old photos of me from about ten years ago, back when I was a fresh faced eighteen year old, you'd be hard pushed to say that much has really changed between then and now.  Yeah, okay, maybe a few light creases have formed on my face here and there and yep, there's definitely no denying that I now sport a sprinkling of grey hair throughout my locks, but in truth, that's really about it.

What has changed though, is that these days, when I look in the mirror, I genuinely really like what I see.  Which sadly hasn't always been the case, especially not in terms of my body weight and shape.  Although, if I'm completely honest, I have always quite liked my face, which maybe some people would perceive as vanity, but I don't really see why, 'cause I mean, why should it be a negative thing to admit that you're happy with your physical self?  Shouldn't we all be?

Of course, I do still find myself struggling to entirely love everything; like it's hard not to get hung up at times on those pesky fat cells, harbouring at the tops of my thighs, which continually seem intent on tormenting me, or that stubborn patch of cellulite, that cruelly chose to develop far too early on in my teens and now languishes beneath my bottom, occasionally causing a wince (especially under the harshness of a fitting room strobe light), but I have at least now learnt to accept them.  Just as I've equally learnt to accept and almost appreciate my 'child bearing' wide set hips, my broad shoulders and my less than pert B cups (that look more like As).

In fact, having generally learnt to appreciate my natural self over the past few years, I've started to strip everything back a little.  These days, I probably only wear makeup maybe a handful of times in the month, my hair hasn't seen a colourist in well over two years now and I've even refrained from tweezing my eyebrows (bar a wild straggler or two) for the past few months, in an attempt to regain some of the hair long lost to teenage over-plucking.

After years of looking in the mirror and brutally judging my reflection, I guess I'm simply choosing to spend less time self-loathing and more time trying to nourish, nurture and just love what I've got.  This body is after all, the only vessel I've got in this lifetime.  So, it's probably in my best interests to keep it going for as long as is possible.  Which is why I now prefer to eat pretty clean, having cut out as much processed food and carbonated drinks as is possible.  Although, admittedly, I am still a complete chocoholic, despite numerous attempts to quit my addiction.  I try to convince myself that if it's organic and 70% dark chocolate, it simply must be packed full of essential antioxidants, B vitamins and happiness boosting, serotonin releasing, sugar laced caffeine.  So it's totally fine, right?

Anyway, now that I dedicate my week to six classes of sweat inducing vinyasa yoga, I feel as though it's perfectly justifiable to have at least one vice!  I mean, I am a T-total, non-smoking vegan, what more do you want!?

In any case, life is far too short to spend it picking yourself apart, but equally, you have to acknowledge that it's too long not to take care of yourself.  So whether you're trim and toned, curvaceous and squishy, flat chested or buxom, male or female, young or old, it's time to simply accept what you can't change and change what you can't accept.  Because beauty is in the eye of the beholder and right now, you're the only one looking in the mirror!

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{Tales from my Notebook} Vol.3

June 2014

Does this infatuation come from the heart or the mind?
It's hard to say.
The absence of your presence inflicting a dull gentle pain.
You speak to me in my dreams, words which blur when I awake.
The touch of your hands ingrained in my memory.
Soft skin, covered in colour and shapes.
Am I in your thoughts, as you are in mine?
The fear that our connection has been left behind.

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{Insightful Sunday} Awakening

Do you ever just get to that point, whereby you no longer know why you're doing something?  It's like, you've been doing it for so long, that it's simply become habitual.  Without even realising, you gradually stopped thinking about what you were doing, as your brain slowly switched onto autopilot.  Then, one day, you suddenly look up and find yourself wondering, "How exactly did I get here?  Why am I even here?  Am I actually happy?"

Despite everything I've been through, everything I've done, I still somehow find myself getting complacent at times.  I get up, I go to yoga, I buy my groceries, I meet my friends, I eat some cake and then the day is gone.  The week often goes by in much the same fashion and just like that, before you know it, a quarter of a year has passed and what, pray tell has been achieved?  What has changed?  How have I changed?

The thing is, it is precisely this comfort, this routine, which is so subtle in its suffocation, that it will often go by undetected, only occasionally being exposed before it's too late and the damage of our wasted years is done.

In reality, it's not just about the time we waste on our virtual lives, wiling away our precious hours, attempting to attain virtual acclaim, but it is also about all those moments, both fleeting and lengthy, whereby we fail to really even be present in them.  Those times when you arrive at your destination, yet, can't remember the journey, because it was so routine, you stopped even observing it.  Or the food you ate, but aren't able to comment on the taste of, because you were multitasking at the time.

The more routine our lives become, the less apart of them we are.  The more secure we are in our stability, the less inclined we are to push ourselves to grow.  Yet, if we're not really 'here' and we're not attempting to evolve, then surely we've disintegrated into the nothingness.

I mean, it's no wonder people have drug and alcohol related addictions and it's in no way surprising that so many people battle with food, with their bodies, with themselves.  Who wouldn't, when wading around in the nothingness, lost in the mindless routine!  In all truth though, how is anyone supposed to find fulfillment, happiness and purpose if their experiences in life are so limited by consistently doing/seeing/feeling the same things, time after time?

It's when we're shook, when we're pushed, when we're afraid, when we're uncomfortable, when we seek out the new, the unheard, the unseen, the unfathomable, that we truly begin to scratch at the surface of what our life has to offer.  It takes letting go of what we have, in order for our hands to be free to grasp onto something more.  It's time, now is the time to let go.

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