Clearing out my wallet earlier, I had a quick glance at my passport, which is always safely nestled inside and almost had a small coronary, when I realised that it's in need of renewal this year. (I'm already dreading the German paper trail I'll no doubt have to navigate for it come the summer.) How did nearly ten years go by in such a flash!? I can still remember the moment I sat in the photo booth getting it taken. I look at that picture now and whilst to a certain extent, my face really hasn't aged particularly, I recognise that I am so far removed from the person I once was. My life in itself has changed so irrevocably, it's almost shocking at times to realise.
From the minute I hit my teens, I spent endless hours and days, dreaming of what my life would be like when I grew up and hit thirty. Then, all of a sudden, seemingly out of nowhere, thirty was no longer a decade away, instead it was just a couple of birthdays in front and I came to realise that I couldn't spend my days dreaming of the future anymore, because it had unexpectedly caught up with me and I was staring it in the face. It honestly feels as though the biggest, most dramatic changes in my life have really occurred solely over these past two years, as though I was gently ambling along all my life and then in an instant, I was forcefully propelled forward through about ten years worth of evolvement! It was kind of hard, definitely turbulent, but ultimately necessary.
On the surface I may not look any different, barely a line on my face, or a hint of maturity in my demeanor, but in truth, I am entirely unrecognisable to the person I once was. Not just the person I was ten years ago, or even two, but even to the person I was six months ago. That's the thing though, life is all about changing and evolving. It's a circulatory process. Meeting new people, letting go of others. Giving out and receiving in. Opening our hearts, accepting the breaks. Making mistakes and learning lessons. It's a never ending process and the more we accept the impermanence of every state of being, every moment, every feeling, every relationship, every experience, good and bad, the more we take from each thing and thus in turn, the more we grow.
Growth is painful at times though and as much as we wish to realise our dreams, sometimes our reluctance to make sacrifices in order to achieve them, are ultimately what hold us back. I mean, take a look at me, I have made huge leaps and bounds towards the realisation of my dreams, dreams that once saturated my imagination for a large part of my life. I finally have the freedom I always craved. I no longer live by someone else's timescale, or demands. I simply sleep when I want, I wake when I please and yes, for the most part, I live on my yoga mat. Sounds great right and in truth, it is. Yes, I still have my struggles and my wobbly moments, but I genuinely love my life and am deeply happy, but it genuinely took the excruciatingly painful process of sacrificing everything, in order to get here. I didn't just have to let go of the material things, I had to make peace with my past and let go of all my emotional baggage too. All that heartache and suppressed anger that was causing me to drown in endless waves of suicidal depression and equally in turn holding me back from ever having the courage to try to do anything.
Sometimes the comfort of our dreams are what keep us from pursuing them, because we acknowledge that trying, might just involve the opportunity to fail and let's face facts, failure can be painful and often discouraging, but if we can take stock from those supposed failures and see them as the no's that redirect us to the yes's, then we're more likely to find direction in the dark. I think that there are also times when we accept mediocrity simply because we don't believe we have the strength or the ability to actually make shit happen, so we live out these alternative lives in our mind, seeking comfort in them when 'reality' gets a bit much. I for one am a huge believer in manifesting, what you think, you create, if you can see it, it can happen and having a vision and putting it out there is a good way to put out an intention to the universe, but it's equally important to recognise your part in the wheel.
At the end of the day, the most important thing is to learn to be accepting of change. Even the difficult changes, the occasionally brutal ones, because they're all ultimately only preparation for the good changes to come. We need to let go of whatever is weighing us down, whether it's someone, something, or even our own outdated psychology, in order to rise up to the surface and evolve into what we could only previously have dreamt of becoming.
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