It's safe to open your eyes now.

So, we've rolled into February and oh, what a glorious month it's already turning into!  In fact, this very morning, I was awoken by the light of the sun, gently beaming in through the crevice between the curtain and the wall.  Its rays hitting my eyelids like a gentle prod, encouraging me to get up and get moving.  Looking out to the back courtyard and seeing everything clearly for the first time in months, how could I not have wanted to leap out of bed!

Okay, okay, it's not spring just yet and yes, there are still patches of snow lingering on the ground, but I can't help but feel this immeasurable bubbling excitement in the pit of my stomach.  It's the onset of change.  Can you feel it?  It's mounting.  There is no denying that.

Maybe six months ago that feeling would have soaked me in fear induced sweat.  I mean, let's face it, change is kinda like a dirty word, isn't it.  Yet, somewhere between last summer's heartache and this winter's heartache, I've kind of learnt to embrace it.  Now it's more like something I look forward to, something I crave even and boy do I crave it right now!

It's like they say, 'time flies when you're having fun' and the warmer months are nearly always fun, aren't they?  Bicycle rides, bare skin, sweet kisses and a plethora of adventures and colourful food.  Whereas winter on the other hand...Well, it's all grey skies, dark days, damp clothes and huddling for warmth around any heated implement you can find!  Of course it seems long!  Every moment aches by like a lifetime!

Well guys, I feel as though I can finally see the light at the end of the proverbial tunnel...Or in real talk, I can finally see the sun breaking through the grey Berlin skyline and it appears as though spring is definitely prepping itself for launch!  I can't deny I really need this.  I desperately need that boost of vitamin D.  I need to be able to bear witness to the tiny bursts of colour, breaking through the hardened frosty ground.  I need those abysmal temperatures to rise, just a few tiny degrees and to be able to leave at least one layer behind, when I walk out the door.  Spring, I need you!

Winter's been long and arduous and in truth, there were several times whereby I found myself tempted to escape, but in the end, it seems as though the Rabbi was right; sometimes you just need to stick it out, because, when you get through to the warmer months, it's almost like a grand achievement, knowing you've made it through to the other side.

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Change and Evolve

Clearing out my wallet earlier, I had a quick glance at my passport, which is always safely nestled inside and almost had a small coronary, when I realised that it's in need of renewal this year.  (I'm already dreading the German paper trail I'll no doubt have to navigate for it come the summer.)  How did nearly ten years go by in such a flash!?  I can still remember the moment I sat in the photo booth getting it taken.  I look at that picture now and whilst to a certain extent, my face really hasn't aged particularly, I recognise that I am so far removed from the person I once was.  My life in itself has changed so irrevocably, it's almost shocking at times to realise.

From the minute I hit my teens, I spent endless hours and days, dreaming of what my life would be like when I grew up and hit thirty.  Then, all of a sudden, seemingly out of nowhere, thirty was no longer a decade away, instead it was just a couple of birthdays in front and I came to realise that I couldn't spend my days dreaming of the future anymore, because it had unexpectedly caught up with me and I was staring it in the face.  It honestly feels as though the biggest, most dramatic changes in my life have really occurred solely over these past two years, as though I was gently ambling along all my life and then in an instant, I was forcefully propelled forward through about ten years worth of evolvement!  It was kind of hard, definitely turbulent, but ultimately necessary.

On the surface I may not look any different, barely a line on my face, or a hint of maturity in my demeanor, but in truth, I am entirely unrecognisable to the person I once was.  Not just the person I was ten years ago, or even two, but even to the person I was six months ago.  That's the thing though, life is all about changing and evolving.  It's a circulatory process.  Meeting new people, letting go of others.  Giving out and receiving in.  Opening our hearts, accepting the breaks.  Making mistakes and learning lessons.  It's a never ending process and the more we accept the impermanence of every state of being, every moment, every feeling, every relationship, every experience, good and bad, the more we take from each thing and thus in turn, the more we grow.

Growth is painful at times though and as much as we wish to realise our dreams, sometimes our reluctance to make sacrifices in order to achieve them, are ultimately what hold us back.  I mean, take a look at me, I have made huge leaps and bounds towards the realisation of my dreams, dreams that once saturated my imagination for a large part of my life.  I finally have the freedom I always craved.  I no longer live by someone else's timescale, or demands.  I simply sleep when I want, I wake when I please and yes, for the most part, I live on my yoga mat.  Sounds great right and in truth, it is.  Yes, I still have my struggles and my wobbly moments, but I genuinely love my life and am deeply happy, but it genuinely took the excruciatingly painful process of sacrificing everything, in order to get here.  I didn't just have to let go of the material things, I had to make peace with my past and let go of all my emotional baggage too.  All that heartache and suppressed anger that was causing me to drown in endless waves of suicidal depression and equally in turn holding me back from ever having the courage to try to do anything.

Sometimes the comfort of our dreams are what keep us from pursuing them, because we acknowledge that trying, might just involve the opportunity to fail and let's face facts, failure can be painful and often discouraging, but if we can take stock from those supposed failures and see them as the no's that redirect us to the yes's, then we're more likely to find direction in the dark.  I think that there are also times when we accept mediocrity simply because we don't believe we have the strength or the ability to actually make shit happen, so we live out these alternative lives in our mind, seeking comfort in them when 'reality' gets a bit much.  I for one am a huge believer in manifesting, what you think, you create, if you can see it, it can happen and having a vision and putting it out there is a good way to put out an intention to the universe, but it's equally important to recognise your part in the wheel.

At the end of the day, the most important thing is to learn to be accepting of change.  Even the difficult changes, the occasionally brutal ones, because they're all ultimately only preparation for the good changes to come.  We need to let go of whatever is weighing us down, whether it's someone, something, or even our own outdated psychology, in order to rise up to the surface and evolve into what we could only previously have dreamt of becoming.

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Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow!

After a sleepless night, which lead to a few missed alarm calls, I found myself running late for yoga yesterday afternoon and panicking that I'd end up crammed in a tight corner by the door, getting cold from the draught, I ended up walking at great pace through the rain, between train rides, attempting to make it to class on time.  Yet, by the time I finally did arrive, out of breath and entirely flustered, incredibly, I was somehow early, which then only served to make me annoyed for having stressed myself out rushing in the first place!

Alas, I caught my breath and stripped off my layers and as I did so, I looked up to see the most glorious of sights; the first few flakes of winter's snow, falling gracefully from the sky and landing softly on the courtyard ground outside.

Now, admittedly, I've been a complete Grinch since I got back from France and the bitterness of Berlin's winter was certainly breaking my spirit rather brutally for a while, but seeing those little flecks of white happily dancing outside the window, set off a little spark of holiday spirit in my icy cold heart.  It really did.  I even almost wept a little.  Although, let's face it, I think everything makes me cry these days.

I haven't bought Christmas cards or presents for a few years now, as I'm completely over the commercialism of Christmas, against peer pressured consumerism and yes, probably a bit of a Grinch, but I did find some very festive German Christmas cards the other day, so, clearly in a good mood, I bought a few (attempting not to wince at the ridiculousness of how much they cost) and am going to actually make the effort to send them out to a special few people.

In fact, if it didn't cost so ruddy much, I admittedly would buy more cards, simply because, in truth, there is a rather large list of people who really are special to me and who I feel I owe a great thanks to.  Over the past eighteen months, there have been so many people who have gone out of their way to help me and I really would not have made it through, what has ended up being, the toughest time of my life...but that's another post entirely.

For now, I am simply happy that I am starting to feel the teeny tiny tingle of what could end up being my festive cheer!

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